Sunday, February 27th, 2022 (09:34 am)

Yesterday, I started making a morning schedule / planner for myself because I am very disorganized and I believe this is the only way I'm going to ever accomplish anything. My new morning routine consists of simple things, but these simple things are very difficult to stick to for someone like me. 

I wake up and shower immediately because I know for a fact that sets a positive tone for the beginning of any day. I have often neglected things like basic hygiene in the past because of depression, ADHD, and probably my other diagnosis as well. For instance, I showered today for the first time in days because I just couldn't convince myself that there was anything worth getting ready for that day. I think that I may have been subconsciously deciding how every day will go based on how I start it. 

Next on the list is to change into comfortable enough clothing to work out in. I go make a coffee, take my first daily medication, and perhaps eat something if I'm up for it. I usually feel sick at the thought of food in the morning for some reason. Perhaps it's because I start my day with just coffee and meds. I'm not sure.

Then I get out the yoga mat, stretch, and do crunches. After that, I do a few sets of push-ups. I'm trying to take it easy on myself this time around so that I can actually work out again tomorrow. It seems to be a typical thing that people tend to do when they decide they want to work out. They hit the workouts really hard, feel really good about it...then the next two days get progressively worse on your muscles, discouraging you from wanting to get back into it once you've recuperated. Trying to avoid that this time.

Next on my list is to get "properly" dressed. I don't really know what I want to wear today, and I think there's still a bit of laundry to do, so I'm just wearing some Dickies pants for now. I'll change into jeans later.

I guess what I'm supposed to do next is have a smoothie and then journal, but like I said, the thought of food in the morning has always been fairly off-putting to me. I can usually stomach some kind of sugar or pastry, but that kind of sugar right at the beginning of my day isn't good for me. Coffee is obviously an appetite suppressant, so that could be playing a part. I've just always had a lot of difficulty when it comes to food. Almost everyone I know is convinced that I have an eating disorder, and I'm pretty sure I probably do. I think the reason that it never manifested into anything dangerous is because of how afraid of hospital procedures I am. I know that a bad diet will lead me there, so I have smoothies and all the vitamins that I require throughout any given day. I guess I would just prefer to drink my food. Being a fruitarian doesn't even sound remotely difficult aside from not having coffee anymore. I bet there's a way to drink coffee that aligns with the fruitarian ideology though.

You know...

I do feel pretty good after simply going through one daily routine so far and executing it to the best of my ability. It feels like I've already accomplished a few things and am ready to approach the day. This all might seem like common sense, but I've never been into scheduling anything really. I hated scheduling releases for ENERGY. All my life I have hated scheduling plans with people. I'd rather just release the music when it's ready. I'd rather just have hangouts be on a whim. Unfortunately, things don't really work like that once you're an adult. 

I've been working on some new music with someone I haven't worked with yet and it's going very well so far. I've been sending over the guitar layers that I write and track here, while they build a rhythm foundation behind it. One song is really, really starting to take shape and I feel like I'm being lazy about it.

I just never thought that I'd find someone to collaborate with again, but here I am needing to track ALL of my riffs now because I found someone with potential. I don't want to say exactly why I believe the music I'm making with this individual is the next step for ENERGY, but we both know and that's all that matters ;)

Some of my closest friends have already heard some demos, but I can tell that the demos aren't quite where they need to be yet. Also, there are no vocals yet. I'm concentrating more on the musical end of things this time, and treating my vocals and lyrics like a final addition to music that would be cool on its own. Of course we're structuring it to have vocals, but it's not my primary concern this time around. I know the vocals will come out great once I have the right ideas. 

I honestly hope for this to be a new chapter with ENERGY. I know I've said that so many times, but each time is a new chapter. I've been the sole songwriter for the last 10 years now. I think people get that I wrote all the music from 2012-2017 myself. I was on a mission to prove that I could be catchier, and just as good in a different way than the band had been up until that point. That was my goal with Apparition Sound, and the "Under The Mask" EP was just a continuation of that. 

Here's a slight hint of where the sound might be going based on our existing output. This is what a setlist would look like if I had my way. Fill in the rest with our new, so far untitled songs:

01. Invasions

02. New Worlds Of Fear

03. Hunter Red

04. The Witching Hour

05. Under The Mask

06. The Shadowlands

07. Walk Into The Fire

I might want to throw other songs in there if people literally ask us to perform them, but I'm just not very interested in putting too many songs from our first two records in a set. I'm not trying to fit in with the punk or hardcore scene anymore. ENERGY is well established there, and I want to branch out. 

I enjoyed writing the poppier songs that we have when I was writing them, I just don't care to prove that I can write a catchy song anymore. I'm interested in expressing myself the way I want to, and I know that the vocals will be catchy because I won't let them suck. I also enjoy the emotional ballads like "They" and "Leave Me Alone". However, I feel as though the ballads sometimes come across better on the recording or when saved for an acoustic performance than during a full band live performance. I just always got the feeling that ENERGY is supposed to have this very broad sound that allows us to play with anyone and everyone under the umbrella of "rock", and possibly even more. This new sound I'm working on will probably take some people by surprise, but the people who actually know me shouldn't be surprised at all. 

I can't wait to finish this. I think the more I talk about it publicly, the more excited I get.

Ok, it's 10:54 am. I'm done journaling. 

Thursday, January 6th, 2022

 Today I woke up a little after noon. I took my medication right away because I was two hours late taking it.

Tiffany is still asleep, but we were up pretty late last night so I understand. 

I feel like my new meds are working, but it could just be a placebo effect right now. Either way, I've been feeling more productive since I started on them.

I had a splitting headache last night though, so I'm just hoping that was mild withdrawals from the meds that I just stopped, and not a reaction to the new meds. 

I just wanted to talk a little bit about how grateful I am that my life is so amazing right now.

This time last year, we were living out of a hotel (for 6 months) with a microwave sized refrigerator, all of our belongings in a storage unit, and no vehicle whatsoever. I was continuing my pattern of walking all the way down to the shopping plaza (summer, heat, rain, winter, snow...didn't matter), and carrying all of our groceries back up the hill. I am fairly sure that I wore down the discs between 

It was during this time that I realized I am truly alone in the sense that I just have to keep going. I feel incredibly thankful for the people who helped me through some of the more desperate moments of my life from 2018-2021. My friend Nadeen in particular. I have never had a complete stranger just fully believe in me like her. I could have just given up and some part of my brain would have seen being a homeless person as a type of opportunity to live a more fulfilling life, but I knew that wasn't what I wanted out of life...so I just kept repeating the process day after day after day for years.

Then one day in March, after being there since October 1st, 2020, we finally moved into our newly renovated apartment, I got a better vehicle than I EVER thought I would actually own (yes, 100% owned / mine), and my financial situation FINALLY straightened out due to reasons beyond anyone's control. 

I actually feel hopeful and positive about the future. I have everything I need right at my fingertips to make new ENERGY music (and just music in general I suppose). My record and CD collection is more organized and expansive than it has ever been. I have been replacing a lot of CDs that had gotten damaged or destroyed throughout my turbulent adolescence in an attempt to reconnect with my inner child. I'm always doing that with music. I know every disc that I owned back in 1999, and I'm just going to keep acquiring them again until the list in my head is empty.

I've also been able to get so many things that are necessary for both Tiffany and I to live artistically fulfilling lives. I feel very good about that. I feel as though I'm "providing" for us in a sense in that way. That's something I NEVER felt in ANY previous relationship I've had in my life. I'm just glad that my partner during this time is someone who actually deserves and will appreciate these types of rewards in life.

I had therapy yesterday. I go twice a week, and I'm currently doing EMDR therapy to help with my C-PTSD. I like my therapist. They don't seem to be casting any type of judgment on me, yet they also don't seem entertained the way most people are by my insane stories. Instead, they seem to want to help me process those memories better. I like that. I hate people who just let me run the show 100% because I just will unless they stop me. 

I feel like I'm finally leveling out. Gotta get back into fitness soon though...one step at a time.

As far as today goes: I hope to get what we need at the store with as little stress as possible, and I want Tiffany and I both to do something separately that artistically satisfies us today.

I'm probably gonna just gonna continue hanging out watching YouTube or maybe reading this new book I got until Tiffany wakes up.

Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Photo by Tiffany Moon

Lately Tiffany and I have been working very hard (mostly Tiffany) to re-organize our apartment into the best possible space for creativity. 

I've been trying new medications for certain mental illnesses. So far I'm on my second one because the first one didn't seem to be doing anything after a month. Today is my first day on the new meds.

The Misfits have been on my mind so much lately. I don't know why, but I suddenly go the urge to re-purchase any of their albums that I lost, or got scratched / ruined over time. I own it all on vinyl (aside from American Psycho), but I grew up with CDs. I remember discovering this music as a kid on CD. It wasn't until late December of 2008 when I got my first Misfits vinyl record (Collection II). I remember this because I lost over 150 DVDs while staying at a hotel that night.

I was supposed to go to the RMV today, but I cancelled because of the new variant and Tiffany and I's mutual concern for our own safety. There are people here who tested positive and are still just walking around without a masks on. Not only is this taking place in my complex, but someone on the floor above us and their child have it, along with the father of the child who walks in and out of my building freely without a mask despite testing positive.

I also cancelled my physical therapy appointment for tomorrow because we just don't want to be going to a hospital when this new variant is getting so bad. I have no issues staying indoors - I prefer it most of the time, but people seem to be getting sick left and right. While that is scary, I know for a fact that I leave my house and am around so many less people than your average person. I quite literally go to the store and back for groceries. I have literally zero friends outside of this apartment, so I don't go see my friends like everyone else seems to have been doing.

The best I can do is get my booster when it's been long enough (we got our vaccine a little late), wash my hands habitually, and wear a mask EVERYWHERE. Even in the hallway upon leaving my apartment while walking out to my car. I have to...because these morons are walking around having tested positive for COVID-19 without masks INSIDE the hallway right outside my door. I have already had words with this individual, but now I don't even want to berate this idiot because I don't want to get to close to them.

Yavid will be dropping a new music video for the song "DB4D" today. I can't wait. David Gunn is probably the most consistent, and intense musician /writer I've ever come across. I've read his book, listened to all the Gunncasts, seen and listened to every possible interview on YouTube, etc. When I discover an artist that intrigues me, I go full speed ahead into their catalogue and career. I need to know every single detail. 

This has been a fairly scattered entry, but my brain is always jumping around from topic to topic anyway...ADHD.

This blog used to get a lot of traffic (see the hit counter below), but I've tried to keep it alive even if no one is reading it. I also plan on using this a little more often as a way to just get my thoughts out. I quite literally have no one that I feel as if I can talk to about what's on my mind a lot of the time, so why not just write in here...

Now, until the next entry...thanks for reading.