Sunday, July 17th, 2022

I started writing in here last night, but got too depressed and sidetracked to actually start anything.

My BPD has been pretty bad this past week. 

I've been feeling completely hopeless when it comes to creating new music, and I feel as if I'm facing some sort of writer's block. The actual instrumentation seems to come out of me with no issues whatsoever, but the entire idea of what a song should be about feels lost on me. Right now at least.

I know that I have personally been through so much in the time since ENERGY last released new original music (2017), and that I have "plenty to write about", but I'm having a hard time figuring out how exactly I want to say all of these things, and how I want to express my emotions the way I want to lyrically.

I woke up feeling alright today. I just hope that I don't misinterpret anything that is said my way by anyone online or not. I continuously have intrusive thoughts where every single action or word that is being said to me is being done so in a strategic manner in order to manipulate and control me in some way. I don't alway feel this way, but it gets overwhelming when my BPD acts up.

I have to constantly remove myself mentally from every interpersonal situation that I'm in and ask myself if there is an actual problem right now, or if I am just having an intrusive thought. It is so much easier to just stay indoors sometimes, but even then I see things online that cause me to start splitting immediately. 

I do not believe that avoiding the things that cause these thoughts is the answer.

I believe that facing these things head-on and learning to cope with your existing surroundings, obstacles, perceived conflicts / attacks on you, temptations, annoying comments, annoying opinions, negative online bullshit, etc. is a much healthier way of dealing with the intrusive thoughts. 

I believe this because all of these things will always exist, but you can change the way your mind reacts to them. 

I've been wanting to at least publish something in here so that I could get some writing in while I still have the energy. My back has been hurting a lot, and I've just been feeling overall tired and depressed. 

I just hope today goes by without too many BPD episodes for me. I actually do feel OK right now, but I've been completely alone...so why wouldn't I be? I really don't like myself / who I am when I'm splitting.

I guess that's it for now.

I'll try to make the next update more positive or something, but I'm just not feeling that great about myself, my music, etc. and I don't really have any friends to talk to either. I feel so uncomfortable talking to every single person I know about personal things. I just vent to my therapist once a week and it honestly just sounds sad coming out of my mouth when I tell her that she's the only person I talk to about any of this.

I just haven't been enjoying my life much lately. I'm usually very optimistic and positive, but I feel like my mind and body are about to crash and burn or something. I don't exercise because I'm in pain and exhausted. I don't eat well because I'm never hungry and have an eating disorder. I don't go outside at all.

There are clear things that I can do to help improve my mental health, and I'm going to try to do these things. 

I just needed to vent here that's all. Even on here I feel like I have to justify my complaining every step of the way or I'm going to be perceived as a lazy, whiny, brat.

I don't know else to say.

Here's to a positive day...please GOD.