Saturday, May 13th, 2023

I don't think that I have the burning desire to "make it" as a musician anymore. The drive that I once had for doing this just isn't there. I'm going to keep trying to make new music and play shows when I can for fun, but there was something about the last 4-5 years and everything I've been through since our UK tours that has shifted my priorities and perspective on life entirely. I haven't even had a band since early 2018, or maybe even late 2017...I honestly can't remember.

I don't sit around singing anymore at all really. I hardly ever even think about my singing voice. I used to obsess over it and stay well rehearsed at all times. I play electric guitar a bit because that's what I started on. I never actually set out to be a singer until my late teens when people started telling me that I was good.

I don't sit around constantly thinking about what's next for Energy. I feel like I'm at a point where I know what I'm capable of, and I don't really care to prove it to anyone else anymore. I'm not saying that I won't put out new music, but I have to want to. I have enough new ideas that I could probably put together an album, I just don't seem to care about finishing them. 

These days I'm mostly focused on working towards bettering my mental health, as well as my physical health, making money to get by in life, enjoying music, and spending quality time with PiX. That is what genuinely makes me happy - when everything is stable and I can just enjoy right now.

I enjoy listening to music, fashion, photography, and just being outside in general. I need to pay the bills though, so I try to keep my BPD in check while I'm working and really focus on not being reactive. That can be very hard when my mind has to be moving at a fast pace for work. It's always an exercise in mindfulness. Other than that, I just try to think about the fact that without the work, there can't be any of the other things that I want / need in life. 

It's just strange finally coming to terms with the fact that making music isn't the focus of my life anymore. There finally came a point where I realized that dwelling about the fact that Energy hasn't been releasing any new music was only causing me to be in a constant state of discontent. That's no way to live. 

I don't know if I even have any "goals" at the moment other than generally bettering my life any chance I can. Working and trying to save money. My entire life has been pretty unstable. I'd like to focus on having some sense of stability for once in my life.