Sunday, July 17th, 2022

I started writing in here last night, but got too depressed and sidetracked to actually start anything.

My BPD has been pretty bad this past week. 

I've been feeling completely hopeless when it comes to creating new music, and I feel as if I'm facing some sort of writer's block. The actual instrumentation seems to come out of me with no issues whatsoever, but the entire idea of what a song should be about feels lost on me. Right now at least.

I know that I have personally been through so much in the time since ENERGY last released new original music (2017), and that I have "plenty to write about", but I'm having a hard time figuring out how exactly I want to say all of these things, and how I want to express my emotions the way I want to lyrically.

I woke up feeling alright today. I just hope that I don't misinterpret anything that is said my way by anyone online or not. I continuously have intrusive thoughts where every single action or word that is being said to me is being done so in a strategic manner in order to manipulate and control me in some way. I don't alway feel this way, but it gets overwhelming when my BPD acts up.

I have to constantly remove myself mentally from every interpersonal situation that I'm in and ask myself if there is an actual problem right now, or if I am just having an intrusive thought. It is so much easier to just stay indoors sometimes, but even then I see things online that cause me to start splitting immediately. 

I do not believe that avoiding the things that cause these thoughts is the answer.

I believe that facing these things head-on and learning to cope with your existing surroundings, obstacles, perceived conflicts / attacks on you, temptations, annoying comments, annoying opinions, negative online bullshit, etc. is a much healthier way of dealing with the intrusive thoughts. 

I believe this because all of these things will always exist, but you can change the way your mind reacts to them. 

I've been wanting to at least publish something in here so that I could get some writing in while I still have the energy. My back has been hurting a lot, and I've just been feeling overall tired and depressed. 

I just hope today goes by without too many BPD episodes for me. I actually do feel OK right now, but I've been completely alone...so why wouldn't I be? I really don't like myself / who I am when I'm splitting.

I guess that's it for now.

I'll try to make the next update more positive or something, but I'm just not feeling that great about myself, my music, etc. and I don't really have any friends to talk to either. I feel so uncomfortable talking to every single person I know about personal things. I just vent to my therapist once a week and it honestly just sounds sad coming out of my mouth when I tell her that she's the only person I talk to about any of this.

I just haven't been enjoying my life much lately. I'm usually very optimistic and positive, but I feel like my mind and body are about to crash and burn or something. I don't exercise because I'm in pain and exhausted. I don't eat well because I'm never hungry and have an eating disorder. I don't go outside at all.

There are clear things that I can do to help improve my mental health, and I'm going to try to do these things. 

I just needed to vent here that's all. Even on here I feel like I have to justify my complaining every step of the way or I'm going to be perceived as a lazy, whiny, brat.

I don't know else to say.

Here's to a positive day...please GOD.

May 19th - May 21st, 2022

 

Sunday, February 27th, 2022 (09:34 am)

Yesterday, I started making a morning schedule / planner for myself because I am very disorganized and I believe this is the only way I'm going to ever accomplish anything. My new morning routine consists of simple things, but these simple things are very difficult to stick to for someone like me. 

I wake up and shower immediately because I know for a fact that sets a positive tone for the beginning of any day. I have often neglected things like basic hygiene in the past because of depression, ADHD, and probably my other diagnosis as well. For instance, I showered today for the first time in days because I just couldn't convince myself that there was anything worth getting ready for that day. I think that I may have been subconsciously deciding how every day will go based on how I start it. 

Next on the list is to change into comfortable enough clothing to work out in. I go make a coffee, take my first daily medication, and perhaps eat something if I'm up for it. I usually feel sick at the thought of food in the morning for some reason. Perhaps it's because I start my day with just coffee and meds. I'm not sure.

Then I get out the yoga mat, stretch, and do crunches. After that, I do a few sets of push-ups. I'm trying to take it easy on myself this time around so that I can actually work out again tomorrow. It seems to be a typical thing that people tend to do when they decide they want to work out. They hit the workouts really hard, feel really good about it...then the next two days get progressively worse on your muscles, discouraging you from wanting to get back into it once you've recuperated. Trying to avoid that this time.

Next on my list is to get "properly" dressed. I don't really know what I want to wear today, and I think there's still a bit of laundry to do, so I'm just wearing some Dickies pants for now. I'll change into jeans later.

I guess what I'm supposed to do next is have a smoothie and then journal, but like I said, the thought of food in the morning has always been fairly off-putting to me. I can usually stomach some kind of sugar or pastry, but that kind of sugar right at the beginning of my day isn't good for me. Coffee is obviously an appetite suppressant, so that could be playing a part. I've just always had a lot of difficulty when it comes to food. Almost everyone I know is convinced that I have an eating disorder, and I'm pretty sure I probably do. I think the reason that it never manifested into anything dangerous is because of how afraid of hospital procedures I am. I know that a bad diet will lead me there, so I have smoothies and all the vitamins that I require throughout any given day. I guess I would just prefer to drink my food. Being a fruitarian doesn't even sound remotely difficult aside from not having coffee anymore. I bet there's a way to drink coffee that aligns with the fruitarian ideology though.

You know...

I do feel pretty good after simply going through one daily routine so far and executing it to the best of my ability. It feels like I've already accomplished a few things and am ready to approach the day. This all might seem like common sense, but I've never been into scheduling anything really. I hated scheduling releases for ENERGY. All my life I have hated scheduling plans with people. I'd rather just release the music when it's ready. I'd rather just have hangouts be on a whim. Unfortunately, things don't really work like that once you're an adult. 

I've been working on some new music with someone I haven't worked with yet and it's going very well so far. I've been sending over the guitar layers that I write and track here, while they build a rhythm foundation behind it. One song is really, really starting to take shape and I feel like I'm being lazy about it.

I just never thought that I'd find someone to collaborate with again, but here I am needing to track ALL of my riffs now because I found someone with potential. I don't want to say exactly why I believe the music I'm making with this individual is the next step for ENERGY, but we both know and that's all that matters ;)

Some of my closest friends have already heard some demos, but I can tell that the demos aren't quite where they need to be yet. Also, there are no vocals yet. I'm concentrating more on the musical end of things this time, and treating my vocals and lyrics like a final addition to music that would be cool on its own. Of course we're structuring it to have vocals, but it's not my primary concern this time around. I know the vocals will come out great once I have the right ideas. 

I honestly hope for this to be a new chapter with ENERGY. I know I've said that so many times, but each time is a new chapter. I've been the sole songwriter for the last 10 years now. I think people get that I wrote all the music from 2012-2017 myself. I was on a mission to prove that I could be catchier, and just as good in a different way than the band had been up until that point. That was my goal with Apparition Sound, and the "Under The Mask" EP was just a continuation of that. 

Here's a slight hint of where the sound might be going based on our existing output. This is what a setlist would look like if I had my way. Fill in the rest with our new, so far untitled songs:

01. Invasions

02. New Worlds Of Fear

03. Hunter Red

04. The Witching Hour

05. Under The Mask

06. The Shadowlands

07. Walk Into The Fire

I might want to throw other songs in there if people literally ask us to perform them, but I'm just not very interested in putting too many songs from our first two records in a set. I'm not trying to fit in with the punk or hardcore scene anymore. ENERGY is well established there, and I want to branch out. 

I enjoyed writing the poppier songs that we have when I was writing them, I just don't care to prove that I can write a catchy song anymore. I'm interested in expressing myself the way I want to, and I know that the vocals will be catchy because I won't let them suck. I also enjoy the emotional ballads like "They" and "Leave Me Alone". However, I feel as though the ballads sometimes come across better on the recording or when saved for an acoustic performance than during a full band live performance. I just always got the feeling that ENERGY is supposed to have this very broad sound that allows us to play with anyone and everyone under the umbrella of "rock", and possibly even more. This new sound I'm working on will probably take some people by surprise, but the people who actually know me shouldn't be surprised at all. 

I can't wait to finish this. I think the more I talk about it publicly, the more excited I get.

Ok, it's 10:54 am. I'm done journaling.