It's not easy for me to fall asleep ever. Today,(I think it was today) I stayed up until 11 AM. I didn't want to it just happened. I woke up at like 2 and went to get the new shirts from Kris. after that me and Julia cashed the check from our old landlord and bought couches. I'll be picking them up Monday. Hopefully my dad let's me use his truck, I've called him the last 2 nights(cell and house phones) and there has been no answer. I have to play 2 shows tomorrow. I hate being away from home. It's definitely unhealthy, but I don't care.
I'm having a hard time writing lately. That sucks. I'm having a hard time being motivated to do ANYTHING. Unless Josh forces it, I haven't been working out. I haven't been even getting dressed really. I just sit here and endure each day. It seems like it's time to go to sleep and then time to wake up like a million consecutive times. It feels like I lived 2 months worth of days in 2 days.
Maybe when Monday comes, and I have the couches here, and all the stuff all over the floor is cleaned up, and it finally feels like we're fully moved in, I'll be able to get back into a "routine" if you will. I need a routine to stay sane. Everyone does.
I HAVE to get a job, but my bullshit sleeping pattern doesn't allow for me to call when places are open. I'm lucky to get any sleep as it is, so waking myself up early (after going to bed at like 8 or 9 am is Hell. This weekend I am going to fill out all the job applications I got. That's the worst part of looking for a job hands down, filling out applications. I hate it so much. It's just one big lie. I can't actually say anywhere I've worked before because they would prob give me a bad reference or whatever. To be honest, I am the model "Bad Employee" in every way imaginable.
Whatever, I need money, so I have to get a job.
I don't like anyone. I'm realizing that my personality does not allow me to fully "like" anyone unless they are 100 percent exactly like me in every way. It makes sense though. I can't imagine why everyone else doesn't think this way. You choose to be a certain way because that's the way you think people should be(don't lie to yourself, it's true) so why wouldn't you want everyone to think like you? I would hate me if I was anyone else probably. And even with that knowledge, I just don't care.
I only fully enjoy being around 1 person. The person that lives inside my head. The person that only I understand. The person that only understands me. Anytime I try and believe that I can enjoy others company, I am quickly reminded why I am the way I am.
I am not upset or disappointed with the fact that I hate everyone. It's actually quite comforting knowing that I can always just shut everyone out(not that they were ever IN to begin with)and be alone,be truly one, with the only person that makes any sense at all.
I think about killing myself every day.
I think it's hilarious when anyone concerns them self with anything that's going on inside anyone else's head.
I don't think anyone is truly my friend(WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYWAY)
People just suck other people dry of all the positive aspects that they can, and make themselves feel ok about themselves by using someones personality for a while, and then they move on.
What a sad place this world is.
