It's Friday, Tiffany is still asleep, and I've already had a decent amount of coffee.
I've been going to therapy twice a week now for about a month, and I can definitely say that it is helping me a lot. Writing in this more is going to be part of my personal journey of overcoming my mental health issues. I also hope that it might help kick my brain back into creativity mode.
ENERGY hasn't released new music since 2017. This bothers me every single day of my life. The plain truth of it is that I'm just not inspired. I have plenty of great stuff written, I'm just not inspired to record any of it most of the time. I feel like my love for creating new recordings has been fading. However, I don't think that this is the end...
I know that during my most prolific periods of creativity, I was also exercising regularly, and in a much better place mentally. When we recorded Invasions in 2008, I was doing yoga outside of the studio all the time with one of the producers Mike. We meticulously studied The Beach Boys and their harmonies and knew that we could apply it to ENERGY's sound just like Bad Religion had in the past.
We achieved that, and I have to believe that it was mostly our mindsets during that period of time. I do remember though that during the recording of Invasions, I was told that one melody I had written for a song wasn't really going to work, and that I was going to have to come up with something else. I became overcome with panic and passed out. Recording ceased for a while that day because of me. It happened again while recording "The Shadowlands" years later...and that was even less of a big deal as far as the "change" that had to be made goes.
I want to start creating for fun again, but a lot of this isn't fun to me. My therapist told me to try to pick up my guitar and just play music for fun every day. Throughout the past few years, there have been so many consecutive months where I didn't even think about playing it. My guitar can sometimes represent my failings to me, so picking it up is only a reminder that I haven't done anything with it in years.
I'm also having trouble getting back to people, and wanting to speak with people in general. People I know in real life that is. I've been invited to multiple gatherings this month, and I haven't replied to them. I'm just not going. I don't know how to tell people, but I just don't want to hang out with anyone in a group setting...pretty much ever again. How do you tell someone "no thanks, I'd rather be home staring at my floor listening to music" without hurting their feelings?
I don't even know what my plan for today is. I know that's part of my problem. I have no direction or plans. I'm just in constant back pain, and I'm constantly exhausted. A usual day for me involves napping for a few hours just because I can't take the pain anymore. Exercise will help this, but I feel so weighed down all the time that going to the gym seems impossible. I just need to get out of this rut.
I suppose I'm done for now.
I just hope that there isn't a huge gap between this post and my next one.
*There will not be a huge gap between this post and my next one.
On August 21st, 2020, I was asked if ENERGY would like to be part of an upcoming SAMHAIN tribute album. I was not doing very well at the time, but I said yes because I have always sworn to myself that I will go above and beyond when it comes to honoring anything and everything Glenn Danzig.
I probably would have chosen "Unholy Passion" (which oddly enough, no one chose) or something, but I knew that in order to get Mike (Rendini) excited about working on this with me, I would have to do "Archangel" because I know he loves that song. Simply being a part of this record was good enough for me.
REWIND TO 1997
I was 12 years old when Static Age / American Psycho were finally released, and that's where my obsession began. A friend in gym class who wore hardcore and punk band t-shirts told me to go out and pick up "Legacy Of Brutality" so I did.
After being excited by the artwork, and intrigued by the layout in general, I put the disc in only to hear what I found to be the worst sounding musical recording I had ever heard in my life.
I had never heard anything like it. It sounded like it was recorded by someone at the top of the stairs of the basement that they were playing in. Everything had so much reverb that it was disorienting, and the songs all had the same sound. I didn't understand it.
There was most certainly an X factor about this band that had really piqued my interest though, and I was wondering why they were regarded as being so great. I listened over and over trying to understand, and finally when "Halloween" came on for the 3rd (4th, 5th?) time, something came over me and I remember admitting to myself in that very moment that this was the greatest music I had ever heard.
BACK TO THE PRESENT
Fast forward to March where I was moving, my apartment flooded, and my life was in complete disarray, and the person who contacted me about the SAMHAIN tribute record was looking to start collecting the files from all the bands. I hadn't even begun work on the song whatsoever.
On April 21st, 2021 I received drum and bass tracks from Mike. Once I had those, I just started making the song come to life. I had never tracked all by myself before, so it was definitely a different experience.
I've grown accustomed to everyone else using all the gear while I just walk in, direct things, do my parts, and leave. This was just me alone in a room. I'm not going to get into the technical aspects of the recording process (unless you want to ask me privately), but I am astonished at just how easy it is to record yourself these days.
Hearing this mastered recording of my voice and distorted guitars playing over loud drums has definitely reignited a passion in me to start recording and putting out music again.
This really is only being pressed one time, so order a copy within the next month if you want it on vinyl: samhaintribute.bandcamp.com
I woke up early to the sound of Chloe meowing extremely loud in my face because she was hungry. I got up, fed her, and have been up since.
I'm waiting on a package today. I got some pants from a really cool company I found a few months back. I'm just hoping they fit because this is my second attempt at guessing the size, and there are just no other option from here.
I'm also hoping that the mailman comes to the door with my package and doesn't stuff it in the mailbox because I don't have a key to the mailbox of the address I've been residing at for over a month now.
This all has to do with the move lately.
The other day, we were told by someone at the office of our complex that they weren't sure as to whether we were permanently staying at our current address, or if it were temporary. This was shocking news to us, seeing as we've been spending the last 5 weeks or so slowly bringing ALL of our belongings into what we thought was our new home.
So after about 2 days of panic and anxiety, they finally confirmed that this is in fact our permanent address, and that we will not have to move again. An instant feeling of total relief came over me because this was the one thing that Tiffany and I had been obsessively worrying about since we were initially scared for no reason.
The lack of communication in this place is pathetic. No one answers emails, phone calls, etc. I have had to go there, pound on the door, and yell through the mail slot at people who were intentionally not letting me in just to get what I needed on several occasions. I've been yelled at and locked out by someone who was simultaneously telling me they didn't work there (?!?!?!). The list just goes on and on and to be perfectly honest, I feel pretty relaxed right now and I don't feel like getting too far into it.
King is releasing a music video today for "I Am The Enemy", which might be my favorite song on their latest album.
This was shared with me the other day, and I wanted to share it here.
Hearing my own songs sung back to me like this is always such a trip.
Beautiful job, thank you.
Friday, March 26, 2021
It’s been over a month since I posted (on Instagram and the last thing I posted was about having a bad mental health day...sorry about that
I don’t even remember what I was dealing with inside my head that particular day
I’ve been doing better lately regarding my mental health though. I feel that I’ve been getting better at dealing with my anger issues.
I’ve also been using the term “ de-escalate” as a reminder to myself that it’s up to me to bring my own emotions back down. Whether something was my fault or not.
Of course there are already serious issues with our new place. Major leaks throughout the entire building, electrical issues, etc. it’s really a LOT more in depth and exhausting than that, but I’m saving myself the stress of having to even think about the rest right now.
On a more positive note, I do have very good reason to be hopeful for the future in so many other ways.
I’m thankful for everything and everyone in my life right now. I haven’t felt this type of positive energy shift in so many years.
Life can be so depressing and feel pointless a lot of the time, but I try to look forward to new life chapters no matter what and have hope that things will get better even when it seems impossible. That’s the only thing that has ever got me through.
I try to have faith that things will eventually improve and I just keep going. No matter what the struggle is, you have to keep going.
I can see from the internet that the world isn’t on lockdown exactly anymore and that people are going out and about doing things for fun in safe ways.
This doesn’t change anything for me though. I still feel isolated and stuck because I am. I’ve been living in a state where I know no one since 2017. My life has been on lockdown since my car was taken away from me in 2018. We've also been living out of a hotel for over 5 months now. No kitchen, no stove, no refrigerator...no car.
Walking everywhere. Taking the bus and carrying our laundry, groceries - you name it. There's no time nor energy for fun here. I have scoliosis, degenerative disc disease, "probably arthritis" (literal quote from two separate doctors). Between all that, my BPD, C-PTSD, and depression...I'm having a hard time.
I will be mobile again though, and we are finally moving soon. These have been the only things holding me back. The potential from here on out is endless.
I can only recall a few times where I've actually been this excited for the future. A similar situation where I was homeless in Stoughton back in November of 2009 after touring all year long comes to mind. I would walk around the streets of my hometown envisioning what my new place would be like, and all the things I would accomplish in my new apartment. I ended up writing all the material that would eventually become "Apparition Sound" in that apartment.
Sometimes when you really are down and out, there is nowhere else to go but up.
Thursday, February 25, 2021
Today was not a good day.
I woke up and went right out to catch the bus in order to get groceries so that I could be back at in a reasonable amount of time. I'm not used to taking public transportation entirely on my own, so I was a little confused. The bus drive started to slow down and the name of my stop was announced over the speaker. I thought this meant that the bus was stopping there automatically, especially considering the fact that he was slowing down.
What I didn't realize was that the bus driver was reading my body language the entire time and just instinctively knew that I was getting off there. Once it became clear that this was in fact my stop, the driver said loudly back at me "you know you need to pull the thing and let me know buddy, I'm not a mind reader!" I started splitting instantly. I was able to keep it together enough where I simply shouted back at him "have a nice day" before stepping off the bus.
This was just the beginning. I hardly remember much about shopping other than the fact that I had to have been going visibly fast. All I know is that I was well over ten minutes early to catch the bus on the way back. I kept hoping it would be the same driver and that I would get into some sort of crazy argument with him.
Just typing this out I started getting flashbacks of when I absolutely lost my mind on my bus driver in high school...
I had an entire bus full of students laughing at how easily a "child" was able to berate a full grown woman to the point of tears. It was my first attempt at stand-up comedy in an odd, sick sort of way. An open-mic, impromptu set of well articulated rage I could only compare to Bill Hicks. The bus driver (Linda, I believe was her name) told me that I couldn't sit in the same bus seat as my girlfriend at the time. When I asked why, she said that there had been reports of students performing sexual acts on the busses at our school, and that she was separating us solely on the grounds that we were a couple.
I was always TERRIFIED to even hold my girlfriend's hand on the bus. Any public display of affection seemed very inappropriate to me for whatever reason, and I would even get really uncomfortable with it myself when she would attempt it. We only ever held hands on the bus, and even that would depend on my anxiety level that morning.
I was so irate over the fact that this woman was essentially accusing me of something I wouldn't dare dream of doing that I ran to the front of the bus and started calling her all sorts of names, insulting her occupation, and belittling her in every way imaginable. At one point I just kept calling her a moron and a bitch over and over in order to make her snap (which she obviously did) and screamed "if you don't sit down and shut up I'm gonna turn this bus around!"
Of course by now there were a handful of kids scattered around the bus who couldn't help their adolescent selves but to laugh at this ridiculous situation unfolding in front of their eyes. I immediately did a sort of jump / spin around and landed 180 degrees facing my "audience" and sarcastically screamed with my hands up shaking "OH NO EVERYONE, IF I DON'T STOP...WE MIGHT NOT GET TO SCHOOL IN TIME!!!" and proceeded to turn around and call her a moron again. The entire bus was now roaring with laughter. I felt such a rush getting that reaction from the crowd. It felt like a real accomplishment. I can't remember what happened after that, but she got really quiet and everyone just talked loudly for the remainder of the ride.
I got to school and was promptly sent to the principles office where I was confronted about everything that had happened. I knew that I was in too deep and that my mother would flip the fuck out at me if I got suspended or expelled, so I gave Linda / my principle some bullshit apology and they at least pretended to buy it. I got off the hook with maybe some after school detention type of deal, but it was so insignificant that I can't even remember. My entire adolescence is filled with stories like this one.
Anyway, back to today.
I came home from the grocery store still splitting from my encounter with today's bus driver and completely lost it. I was screaming and flipping out over the smallest things, and I could not control the vicious shit that kept pouring out of my mouth. I hate myself so much sometimes. I just turn into someone who sickens myself to my own core when I get like this. I don't know how else to explain it. I go into rage-filled black & white thinking where everyone is the enemy. It's Borderline Personality Disorder. It's splitting. It's C-PTSD. It's my own personal hell.
What I hadn't realized was just how badly I was withdrawing from not having any THC. Now in case you don't know, I vaporize a lot of weed. Partially for my degenerative disc disease / scoliosis pain that makes my life a living hell, but also for my Borderline Personality Disorder / C-PTSD. Lately I've just been getting by re-vaping the "dead" weed that I save in a ziplock bag after vaping the fresh bud. It's something I picked up on from people I've known in the past.
Now, I did know of a way to get some actual green weed, but I kept procrastinating and my mood disorder eventually caught up with me. I actually asked about getting it last night come to think of it. Perhaps I felt this explosion coming and didn't even realize it until it was too late :(
I guess the only real lesson here for me is to make sure I have my medications in me when I know I should, and to stop telling myself "maybe I might not NEED it anymore" when I clearly lose control without it. It's ok to need medication. Weed isn't the only one I'm on. I love modern medicine. I would have literally been dead before I turned 20 without it due to an emergency surgery situation back in 2003 / 2004. A lot of the people I love would be dead without it too. I'm thankful that there is a way to stop the splitting, and that it's actually within my control. I just need to stay on top of my life more in general.
I still feel a little guilty talking about "needing" marijuana because of the lingering stigma surrounding it, but the people who would give me a hard time about it are usually the ones who don't have to deal with these types of emotional irregularities or they would be more sympathetic towards the fact that this harmless plant helps me live my best life.
I'm really feeling the urge to write this morning, so I'm making an attempt here.
We're going to be moving out of this hotel fairly soon (according to those in charge). I cannot emphasize enough just how badly I want out of here at this point.
We moved in on October 1st because of a black mold issue in our old apartment. Management walked in and literally said we couldn't even sleep there one more night, and that there would be a room waiting for us at a hotel.
We spent the next couple of weeks scrambling and injuring ourselves moving. Thankfully with the help of our families, we were able to pull it off. I filmed the entire thing, but I've been too generally depressed to edit it together and put it on YouTube because nothing in my life has really even happened since that footage was filmed. It would almost just serve as a reminder that I'm stuck here. Maybe I'll edit it all down to a half hour or so and upload it once we move.
The new place that we're going to be relocating to is a massive upgrade according to what we've been told. We're finally going to have our own washer, dryer, and dishwasher. Also, everything is apparently stainless steel (pretty sure that includes the refrigerator).
I have also been promised another opportunity involving my personal life (not the band) that should be happening within a month or so. I can't say too much about it, but it's going to change my life in ways that most people don't even consider. It's nothing that amazing to your average person, but it's life-changing for me. I truly feel that once this happens, I will finally be myself again.
The art, fashion, music, modeling, videos, etc. will all fall into place once this all happens.
Until then...I play the waiting game.
~ Tank
Sunday, February 21, 2021
I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but there’s still about a month or so left on this ride.
There are a few scheduled stops where we have to get a few major things done but other than that, I’m just trying to keep my head up and hope that the rest of the ride goes smoothly.
I feel tired and I’m in a lot of pain, so I’m going to rest now.
I've been living out of a hotel since October 1st because I was displaced from my apartment due to a black mold issue. The owner of the apartments came in and said she wouldn't legally allow us to sleep there for even one more night because it was so bad.
Moving last minute like that took so much out of Tiffany and I. With the help of our mothers, we were able to get everything loaded into a storage unit until we can move into our new apartment. It's been over 3 months now, and we've been living out of a one room hotel with no kitchen or stove. The refrigerator is tiny, and we have no freezer. This is truly a rough patch. I'm trying to stay optimistic though. I truly am.
My current goal for this blog is to just serve as a private / public journal as it always has in the past. I thoroughly enjoy social media, but as we all know - the joy is fleeting to say the least. I have documented a lot of my adult life on this very blog even though many, many consecutive months went by without me writing in it at all. I don't want to be afraid of writing anymore. I'm so hard on myself about not writing, that it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The same goes for all of my creative output honestly. I really need to get with it and snap to because these past 3 years have been a seriously depressing artistic drought for me. Most of my life is spent just stressing out about daily life to the point where I've stopped dreaming.
I need to dream big again. I want to want to impress people with my musical and writing abilities again. I feel like I'm getting there. I feel like I'm almost there. There's a bit of acceptance that I might need to practice here in the fact that I am a one man band essentially. There are a lot of things about music that I am completely confused and baffled by. Things that I have a difficult time wrapping my head around.
I never set out to be a one man band. As a kid I thought I would be in a BAND. I never paid much attention to the musical side of things and kept it simple because after a while I realized that I wanted to be a singer. I learned guitar first, and can play well...I just never thought I'd need to learn about arrangement and all kinds of other things that I just completely guess at when trying. Some people say there's a certain charm to art that was created through naive eyes. I understand that, but I am past that now. I would like to step it up a notch, and I know that it is only through personal artistic exploration that I will progress. I need to figure it out on my own.
I think I'm going to step away from this and just hit publish now.
