Energy recorded our first demo

(L-R) Burton Wright, Rob Spearin, Me, Mikey D, Conor O'Brien

Recorded in Uxbridge, MA

Mar. 26th, 2006 at 7:17 PM

I need a desk

I need a space of my own

I need my own place where I can take a shower, and not having it hanging over my head whether or not someone is upset with the amount of water I used.

I will get a job and I will get an apartment, and I will worry about how I will pay while i'm on tour, when the time comes.

I got some more of my sleeve worked on yesterday, like I said, it came out very good. If you would like to see it, then approace me in real life and see it. Because one thing I hate is when people only give compliments, online, or through text messages, or any other way to avoid real life situations.

BUT ANYWAYS,

I have disabled the commenting feature on my livejournal for the reasons listed above, and because I don't write this stuff for online feedback from people, I just hope that they take it in, and talk to me about some of the stuff in real life. It's a way to publicly express myself, without having to deal with annonymous commenting, or people commenting with the same boring shit I hear every day with no real feeling behind it. I saw this movie called "Pump up the Volume" about a month ago. It was great. It was about this kid (Christian Slater) who moved to a town where he knew no one and had the equiptment in his room that allowed him to have public broadcasting on his own local radio station. he shared his thoughts/philosophies/ and basically just his views on life, with whoever chose to listen.

That movie gave me this idea. Eliminate Commenting. Just use this as a way to say whatever you want, and whoever wants to "Tune In", can. Whoever doesn't want to, yet chooses to...(don't get that one) and gets aggravated, well, that sucks. ha, oh well.

SO with that said:

I really miss being a kid. Being able to go out after school and skateboard, listenig to my headphones, going around the old neighborhood, and not worrying about getting up in time for work, or Where i'm gonna sleep tonight, or what the future holds. I just went home and I had a desk, and my own personal space. I wonder what the 14 or 15 year old me, would think about the 21 year old me. I'll never know.

Often during my downtime, I will find parking lots and just sit and read, or write. It's kind of depressing if you think about it, but it's comforting.

American Psycho is my current favorite movie, the book I am currently finishing is Solipsist By Henry Rollins. Every word that comes off of Henry's Pen seems as if it were extracted straight from the inner most secrets of my brain. I really enjoy his books.

I did not go to Comeback Kid/Ignite tonight because everyone else had a ticket and knowing how things work out for me, it would end up being sold out, and I'd have to find my way home all by myself, wasting time, gas, and energy. so I didn't go. It wouldn't have been that much fun anyways because of my ribs. I pulled a muscle really bad and I can't do much without shooting pain. So needless to say I didn't have as much fun as I should have last night when Cold World played Brockton.

I'm having a hard time finding inspiration for writing lyrics, I have alot to say, but my fear of presenting it in a manner than might not be up to my own expectations, is what really holds me back. Yet, I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life, because it is what I do best, and at the same time, it is what i enjoy doing the most. If you don't find yourself assessing your own life the same way and acting on it, then I hope you find content in discontent, because you will never have done any of the things you wanted to, and you will have lived a life that a younger you, would never have aspired to. I am going to try my hardest to write lyrics tomorow(or maybe even tonight) but I don't know how that will go. 

Everyone is still giving me a really hard time about getting a job, when I know that I need one. I will have one soon enough. And things will be back to "Normal".

I did nothing today.

I went to the mall with my brother, bubby, sas, and roe. We walked around, didn't buy anything, then me and roe left, I dropped him off, and proceeded to drive around aimlessly for about an hour and a half. Nightfall came like it does every night, and here I am at the end of another wasted day.

My dad called me up with his bullshit. "well, you must have a whole line up of places you're going tomorrow to look for a job right?" "yeah dad" 

what a drag. that guy only calls me up when he's giving me shit, or I owe him money. I don't trust him for a second. Whenever my life decides to get exciting and I have the ability to be on my own and not have to deal with anyones bullshit, he won't even get so much as a phone call or anything. Everyone is useless to me. You're only there for some personal gain from me. What do you have to gain from Jason? I don't know, someone to laugh at. Someone to be a constand reminder of the superiority of you're situation over someone like mine'? Someone to reassure yourself that you've got it all under control. Hey, You're doin just fine! You're on your way through college, you've got a part time job, full time, whatever, or no job at all and get whatever you want anyway. Slowly avoiding the fact that you will unavoidably end up like everyone else, a miserable, probably alchoholic, 40 hour/salary worker. assuring yourself you're gonna be ok. For What? What is it that you're gonna be ok with? having a house, 2 kids and a wife you hate? You can have that life. I don't want it. It's not too late for me and I'm choosing now, that I don't want to life a mediocre life in a suburb somewhere, being the all american dad. Fuck You.
I kill people all day in my mind. For every flaw that I see in others that I don't allow myself to bullshit myself into, I destroy them. I run them over with my car with no consequence. For every peice of shit fuck head from stoughton whos ever said anything about me, I have fantasies of killing you. The law is the only thing stopping me. Because in my mind, you deserve it, so you do.

I've probably killed you before.

Back to Al's house now to escape reality for another night

Thanks for reading

Mar. 25th, 2006 at 10:08 AM

I am not feeling very good about myself as of late. I am currently unemployed and no one I know is letting a second of time pass without letting me know that they are aware and have not forgotten about it. I go to my mothers to take a shower and do some laundry and hope to be left alone in the process. No such luck. I am forced to go to the store and by a paper to look for a job (at 8 am on a Saturday...) and i highlighted maybe 2 things that I am qualified for, that i will call on monday, because that's when you normally would look for a job.

My father is telling me if i don't have a job within the week that I have to put a for sale sign on it and leave it at his house, until my unemployment paychecks come and I can pay the bill. I pay it through him. I'm just going to have to get a job. 

I am getting more of my sleeve worked on today with the money I have successfully hid from my parents. I am telling them that it's free because I brought my tattoo guy so much business that he is hooking me up.
With everyone yelling at me about responsibility, 24 hours a day(job or no job) why wouldn't I take every chance I get to make myself happy?

I haven't been writing all that much because I have no where to go and just sit and write or read. There is always someone at my mother'. I don't have a key to my Father's. Julia's mom is always home and I don't feel welcome there when I'm not with her. So it looks like I will have to resort to my usual writing spots such as: Grocery Store Parking Lots sitting in my car, and well that's about it, because there's no other place i can really go that it is normal for someone to be sitting in their car alone. It is Saturday, I have band practice monday, and we're recording 3 songs april 1st. I have lyrics written for 1 that I like. The second song, I think needs work, but that concern is overshadowed by the fact that I have no lyrics whatsoever for the 3rd song. It's hard to write when the only place I can escape everyone talking and bothering me is in a parking lot full of people staring at the kid alone in his car with metal all in his head,reading and writing as they put their groceries into their cars with their little kids and go back to their houses and live their perfect little lives, in their perfect little worlds, so they can eat to stay alive to live another day to work their perfect jobs, and pay for their nice cars. We all have to have that nice car. We HAVE to, or else, people might think we're STRUGGLING in life. And we don't want that! No no no.

We all make our lives living hell's, just so that everyone will think we're doin ok. "Oh her husband coaches little league and owns his own business. He drives such a nice truck and they have a decent chunk of land to go with that house" 

None of that is really going to matter when maggots and worms are eating out the back of your fucking eyes when your 6 feet under the ground now is it? Even when you die, they dress you up all nice, to hide the fact that there is any ugliness to go along with death. And make it subconcious in your mind that you will not look like that forever. I am not going to elaborate on that anymore.

It really is a wonder. It's a wonder why any one of us even continues on. I know why I do, it's because I am afraid of death. I know of nothing but life. It is all that any of us can remember. I just want to live my life to the fullest and not let anything hold me back. But why? Why don't we all just blow all of our brains out all over the world? We are born to die. That is it. We are not born to become supervisors,managers,rockstars, moviestars, or homeowners. We are born to breath, eat, reproduce, and die. What are the consequences of not obeying? What would be the consequence of not reproducing, and just blowing your brains out? Well, everyone would be awfully mad at you, but only because you've made them sad. Who cares what anyone thinks of you when you're dead? Who cares who you hurt? Who Cares? There is no God. There is no heaven nor hell. So there goes those consequences. You Start life at Point A = Birth. You Finish Life at Point B = Death. I only see it as getting from point A To Point B Faster. It's unavoidable.

But at the same time, I have a pretty big respect for life. I see putting any type of drug into your body a complete waste of time, and just a poor decision. We are here to live our lives to the fullest, so why would you bog it down with that lame shit? I don't eat meat and I don't use any animal biproducts in everyday life, because i have a greater respect for life. I know that animals are not here for us to kill and eat. Milk is for baby calves. Not people. We are the only species on this earth that drinks the milk of a different species. So if you understand that, that eliminates cheese, butter, milk, and anything containing any of the 3 out of your diet. Eggs. Chicken Abortions. Enough Said. If you have already made the decision that you don't eat meat, you shouldn't eat eggs. We are advanced enough that we can rely on other things for all the necessary nutrients. I am prove of this. I am by no means the healthiest kid on planet earth, but I am not unhealthy in the least. So you don't have to be a health freak to be Vegan.

I didn't mean to go on a rant there but I was just emphasizing my respect for life itself. I get really sad when I see people intoxicated or under the influence of any type of mind altering substance for that matter, especially people I like, care about, and/or respect. Because they are abusing what they have been given. Life. It can be a beautiful thing too.

Well on that note, I am going to go out and do nothing, just so I can be away from everyone for a while, and hopefully I will get some writing done, because I feel really, REALLY, bad that I have the least to offer my band musically at the moment, and they are pretty much all waiting on me here. I am the one who has been complaining and hating existence for not having a band for all this time. And look, here I am with 4 other capable talented musicians,we all see eye to eye musically, for the most part, and I can't even sit down and fufill my part of the bargain.

What a peice of shit I am.

Positive things to look forward to:

In 2 hours I should be getting my sleeve worked on

Cold World tonight in Brockton with Listen Up opening

Ignite, Comeback Kid, First Blood, This Is Hell Sunday

Set Your Goals the 29th

And having a job for the sole purpose of not having everyone coming down so hard on me about life.

Wish me luck and thank you so much for reading.

Mar. 8th, 2006 at 2:59 PM

i have been awake since 6:30 downloading music/writing and i would like to stop, but really, what could i do, maybe read. i haven't done that yet today. but i'm sure i will, and then want to do something else. i could go out and sit in a room with a bunch of my friends and then, later, be upset at how much i wasted my day sitting around, not talking and being discontent, as i am every day.

whoever you are, take this personally:

i don't care enough to let you know what i'm really thinking

i don't want you to know

it will only bring further questions and judgement that only reflects your own insecurities
and i will lose my patience with you, and dismiss the argument that should have remained a pleasant conversation, as your own anger towards yourself, your flaws, and your lack of compassion.

chances are i don't even know you

you definatly don't know me

we sit in empty rooms alone, thinking of one another and our thoughts, or at least what I think are "your" thoughts

i do not know you, and you have no idea why i am even writing this

whatever it is that you will dismiss this as, is wrong.

i cannot feel,because i choose not to.



i can't go out into public because i can't stand to see people that i would never want to get close to.
and they are everywhere.


stop judging - take this for what it is worth - and just shut the fuck up for once and think about yourself. think about what you've been meaning to change, what you've been meaning to do. and act already. stop wasting time and just do it.

every one = EVERY ONE is so quick to judge

"well he's just doing this cus he's this"
"he doesn't know what he's talking about"
"what an idiot"
"what is he thinking"
"what was goign through his head"
"is he retarded"
"he just wants attention"

just shut the fuck up and stop worrying about everyone except who you should really be concerned with.

"well i can't beleive he's writing this who does he think he is"

i am me
you are not me
you will never know how it is to be me
i will never know how it is to be you

So for the last time


Sit Yourself Down Alone



and address the real dilema



thank you for reading