I'm fairly certain that hardly anyone takes the time to check out this blog despite it having had a lot of traffic in the past.
With that being said, I'm here to write again.
I've decided that I need to stop agonizing over the idea of Energy becoming the biggest band in the world.
I had a good run, achieved every teenage dream I ever had, and saw more success with music than most people ever will, but I can't continue to torture myself. I haven't had a band since 2017, I haven't written a new song in 7 years, and I don't even really have the urge or desire to write songs anymore. I'm not going to continue struggling and trying to find myself through creating music at this point in my life.
I'm sure that I'll write and record music in the future, but it will be on my terms with no pressure. It won't be written with Energy in mind whatsoever though. If I write again, it has to be fun. I have abandoned so many demos that I've started for Energy because the emotion just isn't there. I'm still very capable of writing guitar riffs - that I know.
I made a somewhat vague post on my Facebook about this and got a lot of encouragement to "just keep going", but that wasn't really my intention. I wasn't exactly looking for anyone to tell me that I'm "worth it" or whatever. I was just venting about how I was feeling at that exact moment. I do truly appreciate everyone's well intentioned words of advice, but the post helped me come to the realization that I need to just let it go for the sake of my own mental health
There are so many other avenues of creativity that I want to explore / pick back up on - including this.
Writing.
I love writing so much, I just never sit down and do it. Writing hardly takes any effort for me once I sit down, and I know that it will give me more creative gratification than music at this point in my life. I want to write journal entires, poetry, maybe a book or three.
I also want to get back on YouTube and start making videos about music and other things in general. I love alternative fashion, as well as another avenue that I'm not ready to discuss publicly yet until I actually dip my feet in the water of that world.
After my Facebook post, a close and dear friend of mine (who I haven't actually seen in ages) messaged me and said:
"I am sure everyone is encouraging you to stick with it but have you tried allowing yourself to move on for the sake of your mental health? Like does being a big musician really matter in the long run? Maybe a quiet life of just being content is enough. I think about this often lately.
Knowing you I think you should.
Work toward moving on to something else. I used to want to be a celebrity photographer but I could give a shit less now. It’s not worth it. Life is too short and
who needs the stress.
You made cool music and you did a big tour. That’s more than 99% of bands that have ever existed. And you wouldn’t be popular by now anyway no bands last that long other than the most famous.
Give yourself a break, forever. And just enjoy life in whatever way you can and get rid of that weight hanging on you. Move on and be easy on yourself."
That is the exact sentiment I was trying to get across, I just didn't word it properly. That or I hadn't fully realized it yet. I told them that they were the only person who seemed to understand what I was getting at.
What started this realization was that Energy had a show offer for December 30th in Detroit, Michigan, but I finally told Conor that I'm just not into doing the band anymore. Not only that, but I don't even have a band. Even if I did, I certainly don't want to drive all the way to Detroit just to play a bunch of songs that are 7-17 years old with no real promise that anyone will even remember them / us. If I already had a band that was playing out locally with the ambition and hope of putting out new music, then I might have considered it.
I don't though. I'm not going to assemble a group of strangers to go halfway across the country with to play a one off show. I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm 38, I have terrible back issues, and I would much rather stay home for New Years with my partner. Not only that, but Christmas would definitely be ruined for me because the upcoming drive would undoubtedly be all I'd be able think about. I truly enjoy the simple things in life. Along with Halloween, Christmas might be the most magical time of year for me.
These feelings that I'm having are reminiscent of the time when Energy quit touring full time for good back in 2009. All I wanted then was stability and normalcy. Every tour felt like a prison sentence away from home. I loved performing (what were at the time) new songs, but that was then and this is now. This time around it's been more of a mental prison.
My experience in the U.K. back in 2017 was completely mixed emotionally.
On one hand I got to play in front of a LOT of people and make a LOT of new fans there. I signed autographs left and right, rode in a big tour bus, sold a shitload of records, and met a lot of truly amazing people. I'm so grateful for everyone who helped make that happen, but I had new music that I was promoting at the time. That's what truly drove me.
On the other hand, I had a miserable time emotionally.
My partner at the time met someone else immediately after I proposed to them onstage. Literally walked over to the bar and started talking to someone who they eventually ended up dating while we were together. When we got back to the United States, they made quick plans to have this person fly here. The second we got back, they started fucking right in front of me. They told me that while it was happening I had a look on my face like I wanted to die. They weren't wrong, yet they didn't stop. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. They pulled complete childish fits though any time I showed interest in someone else.
Granted we were polyamorous, this was a shitty thing to do. Being poly doesn't just mean you can be with whoever you want whenever you want despite getting clear signals that your primary partner isn't ok with it whatsoever.
Also, they ASKED me to propose to them onstage in front of a live audience.
Who does that?
A self centered, self involved, fucking egomaniac. Someone who threw the ring I gave them back at me during the first night of the second U.K. tour that year because I wanted to spend the first night there with just them and not their new partner. A ring that belonged to my grandmother (who has since passed away) that I still haven't got back.
I can't believe I was fooled for so long by someone who consistently defends their disgusting, piece of shit, pedophile father, insists that the girls who were abused were lying / making it up, and now acts like some sort of social activist. Someone who constantly violated me physically despite me explicitly stated that I did not like what they were doing.
That's who.
I bet they don't even remember what I'm referring to.
Gee, I wonder where they learned that behavior from 🙄
One of the meanest, miserable, cold hearted people I've ever known, who in hindsight were nothing more than a disgusting sex driven rebound from my marriage. I started dating them, and then a month later my wife left me.
Wow, what a coincidence.
They were both friends, and my wife at the time even hooked me up with them. Clearly looking for a way to get out of the marriage while softening the blow to my emotions. I understand it to an extent because of how fragile I was at the time, but that's still an extremely shitty, and cowardly thing to do.
Oh yeah...and toward the end of my marriage, they fucked a bunch of my friends despite how obviously uncomfortable it made me.
At the time everyone was telling me that I couldn't say anything about it since I said it was ok while it was happening. Now I know now that all of that was obviously bullshit, and that my feelings towards ALL of this were and still are completely valid.
There's obviously a LOT more to all of this, but I'm just spitting out general information at this point.
I can promise you that I will elaborate with a lot more detail in the very near future 😉
I've tried sending olive branches to both of these people, and they've both declined. One politely, and the other like a complete psychopath...which of course was no surprise lol
I'm still open to reconnecting with one of them, but that doesn't seem likely anytime soon...which is honestly fine. I don't want anyone in my life who doesn't want to be. I respect their response to me reaching out as well.
It is so hard for me to not just go OFF on the other one right now though, but I'll wait on that for another post.
I'm done being manipulated by selfish people. This is why I don't talk to anyone anymore aside from my partner and a SMALL handful of people (online only).
I always hear everyone talk about how they have no friends, how it's hard to make friends / plans in their 30's, etc. It's actually infuriating though because I see so many of them out with friends less than a week later. These people just feel as though they don't have as many friends as they once did, and are annoyed at how much planning goes into maintaining friendships the older you get.
I LITERALLY don't hang out with a SOUL aside from my partner. That's it. Every single day, that's the only person I see. I go the grocery store and back. That's it. Going on 7 years now. We try to get out and enjoy the outdoors as often as we can, as well as going to thrift stores for clothing. I honestly like it this way though.
Make no mistake, this is NOT a depressing post. Quite the opposite actually. Like I said though, it annoys me to see people complain about not having friends when they actually do have regular interactions with people. Whether they consider them "friends" or not, they have human interaction. I do miss that to an extent, but I can't see the worth in other people - at this point in my life at least. I'd love to be proven wrong, but I'm content, and that's all that matters.
I have a really good feeling about this new chapter of my life, and I can't wait to write more in here. Especially about my life from 2014-2018 because so many traumatic things happened to me during those years that I've never opened up to anyone about.
I woke up today with a burning desire to write in here after deciding to basically end Energy. I think that it's a sign of great things to come.
I have a loving and incredibly supportive partner, I've been working SO hard on my mental health to the point where I'm in the best spot emotionally that I've been in so long time. Maybe ever.
...and of course, I still have an unbelievable obsession with collecting physical music and learning as much as I can about the artists I love. I even started liking a lot of newer artists in the past few years because of my partner helping me open up my mind when it comes to that.
I used to be way too fixated on the music of the past, but they've helped me become excited about so many newer artists that I would have NEVER given a chance before.
I still obsess over all the same artists I always have though. Make no mistake about that.
I just can't express how happy I am today, and I know it will only get better from here.
Thank you to anyone who might read this and supports me in my decisions.
