Today was not a good day. 

I woke up and went right out to catch the bus in order to get groceries so that I could be back at in a reasonable amount of time. I'm not used to taking public transportation entirely on my own, so I was a little confused. The bus drive started to slow down and the name of my stop was announced over the speaker. I thought this meant that the bus was stopping there automatically, especially considering the fact that he was slowing down.

What I didn't realize was that the bus driver was reading my body language the entire time and just instinctively knew that I was getting off there. Once it became clear that this was in fact my stop, the driver said loudly back at me "you know you need to pull the thing and let me know buddy, I'm not a mind reader!" I started splitting instantly. I was able to keep it together enough where I simply shouted back at him "have a nice day" before stepping off the bus.

This was just the beginning. I hardly remember much about shopping other than the fact that I had to have been going visibly fast. All I know is that I was well over ten minutes early to catch the bus on the way back. I kept hoping it would be the same driver and that I would get into some sort of crazy argument with him. 

Just typing this out I started getting flashbacks of when I absolutely lost my mind on my bus driver in high school...

I had an entire bus full of students laughing at how easily a "child" was able to berate a full grown woman to the point of tears. It was my first attempt at stand-up comedy in an odd, sick sort of way. An open-mic, impromptu set of well articulated rage I could only compare to Bill Hicks. The bus driver (Linda, I believe was her name) told me that I couldn't sit in the same bus seat as my girlfriend at the time. When I asked why, she said that there had been reports of students performing sexual acts on the busses at our school, and that she was separating us solely on the grounds that we were a couple.

I was always TERRIFIED to even hold my girlfriend's hand on the bus. Any public display of affection seemed very inappropriate to me for whatever reason, and I would even get really uncomfortable with it myself when she would attempt it. We only ever held hands on the bus, and even that would depend on my anxiety level that morning. 

I was so irate over the fact that this woman was essentially accusing me of something I wouldn't dare dream of doing that I ran to the front of the bus and started calling her all sorts of names, insulting her occupation, and belittling her in every way imaginable. At one point I just kept calling her a moron and a bitch over and over in order to make her snap (which she obviously did) and screamed "if you don't sit down and shut up I'm gonna turn this bus around!"

Of course by now there were a handful of kids scattered around the bus who couldn't help their adolescent selves but to laugh at this ridiculous situation unfolding in front of their eyes. I immediately did a sort of jump / spin around and landed 180 degrees facing my "audience" and sarcastically screamed with my hands up shaking "OH NO EVERYONE, IF I DON'T STOP...WE MIGHT NOT GET TO SCHOOL IN TIME!!!" and proceeded to turn around and call her a moron again. The entire bus was now roaring with laughter. I felt such a rush getting that reaction from the crowd. It felt like a real accomplishment. I can't remember what happened after that, but she got really quiet and everyone just talked loudly for the remainder of the ride. 

I got to school and was promptly sent to the principles office where I was confronted about everything that had happened. I knew that I was in too deep and that my mother would flip the fuck out at me if I got suspended or expelled, so I gave Linda / my principle some bullshit apology and they at least pretended to buy it. I got off the hook with maybe some after school detention type of deal, but it was so insignificant that I can't even remember. My entire adolescence is filled with stories like this one.

Anyway, back to today.

I came home from the grocery store still splitting from my encounter with today's bus driver and completely lost it. I was screaming and flipping out over the smallest things, and I could not control the vicious shit that kept pouring out of my mouth. I hate myself so much sometimes. I just turn into someone who sickens myself to my own core when I get like this. I don't know how else to explain it. I go into rage-filled black & white thinking where everyone is the enemy. It's Borderline Personality Disorder. It's splitting. It's C-PTSD. It's my own personal hell. 

What I hadn't realized was just how badly I was withdrawing from not having any THC. Now in case you don't know, I vaporize a lot of weed. Partially for my degenerative disc disease / scoliosis pain that makes my life a living hell, but also for my Borderline Personality Disorder / C-PTSD. Lately I've just been getting by re-vaping the "dead" weed that I save in a ziplock bag after vaping the fresh bud. It's something I picked up on from people I've known in the past. 

Now, I did know of a way to get some actual green weed, but I kept procrastinating and my mood disorder eventually caught up with me. I actually asked about getting it last night come to think of it. Perhaps I felt this explosion coming and didn't even realize it until it was too late :(

I guess the only real lesson here for me is to make sure I have my medications in me when I know I should, and to stop telling myself "maybe I might not NEED it anymore" when I clearly lose control without it. It's ok to need medication. Weed isn't the only one I'm on. I love modern medicine. I would have literally been dead before I turned 20 without it due to an emergency surgery situation back in 2003 / 2004. A lot of the people I love would be dead without it too. I'm thankful that there is a way to stop the splitting, and that it's actually within my control. I just need to stay on top of my life more in general.

I still feel a little guilty talking about "needing" marijuana because of the lingering stigma surrounding it, but the people who would give me a hard time about it are usually the ones who don't have to deal with these types of emotional irregularities or they would be more sympathetic towards the fact that this harmless plant helps me live my best life.

I'm really feeling the urge to write this morning, so I'm making an attempt here.

We're going to be moving out of this hotel fairly soon (according to those in charge). I cannot emphasize enough just how badly I want out of here at this point. 

We moved in on October 1st because of a black mold issue in our old apartment. Management walked in and literally said we couldn't even sleep there one more night, and that there would be a room waiting for us at a hotel. 

We spent the next couple of weeks scrambling and injuring ourselves moving. Thankfully with the help of our families, we were able to pull it off. I filmed the entire thing, but I've been too generally depressed to edit it together and put it on YouTube because nothing in my life has really even happened since that footage was filmed. It would almost just serve as a reminder that I'm stuck here. Maybe I'll edit it all down to a half hour or so and upload it once we move.

The new place that we're going to be relocating to is a massive upgrade according to what we've been told. We're finally going to have our own washer, dryer, and dishwasher. Also, everything is apparently stainless steel (pretty sure that includes the refrigerator).

I have also been promised another opportunity involving my personal life (not the band) that should be happening within a month or so. I can't say too much about it, but it's going to change my life in ways that most people don't even consider. It's nothing that amazing to your average person, but it's life-changing for me. I truly feel that once this happens, I will finally be myself again.

The art, fashion, music, modeling, videos, etc. will all fall into place once this all happens.

Until then...I play the waiting game.

~ Tank

I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but there’s still about a month or so left on this ride. 

There are a few scheduled stops where we have to get a few major things done but other than that, I’m just trying to keep my head up and hope that the rest of the ride goes smoothly. 

I feel tired and I’m in a lot of pain, so I’m going to rest now.