Saturday, December 24th, 2022 - Christmas Eve

 

Saturday, December 24th, 2022 - Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm really just beginning to feel better from testing positive for Covid last Friday.

I actually wanted to go up and see my family because my brother will be there and I hardly ever see him. I'm definitely feeling a little guilty about that.

Justine is coming over today though, so there will be Christmas joy after all. She brings such a childhood innocence into the atmosphere that I'm sure will only make things more warm and wonderful today.

I'm writing in here primarily though because I want to say this next part somewhere out loud in an attempt to actually force myself to stick to it.

Once I re-dye my hair, I want to start making YouTube videos again. 

Last night, Tiffany and I were curious as to when was the last time that I actually uploaded a video of me talking to my channel. I was pretty shocked that it was over two years ago, and that it was the video where I talk about how I had just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I announced that to the world and then stopped uploading. I guess that's a clear indication of how that diagnosis made me feel.

I'll try to address that in my first video back. 

Aside from that, I'd like to just start talking about music and whatever else I feel like talking about.

I clearly thrive off of putting things together and releasing it to the public, and I still can't shut up about music. I have so much physical music that I could just spend the entire time talking about that. I want it to be varied though.

There's not really much else to say other than that hopefully you'll see my face pop up in your YouTube feed within the first week or two of the new year.

If you're reading this, I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year :)

Wednesday, December 14th, 2022

 

Saturday, December 10th, 2022

 

Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

 

Monday, October 31st, 2022 - Halloween

 

Thursday, October 27th, 2022

 

Friday, October 21st, 2022

 

Monday, August 15th, 2022

Photo by Tiffany Moon

I’ve been walking around the area with Tiffany and exercising as much as I can lately because I have to or else my bones are just going to disintegrate. That and the constant pain that I’m in has been taking a massive toll on my mental health. No one likes being around someone who is just a misery machine.

I was doing well for a couple of years there (2014-2016) when I was signed to a modeling agency because it was literally my job to constantly be in semi-decent shape in case an audition for something came up at the last minute, which was usually the case. I wasn't doing it for me.

When I was focusing on keeping a steady workout routine, I was not in much pain at all compared to how I’ve been feeling the past few years. My doctor told me back then that I was actually reversing the curvature in my spine by lifting weights, keeping the muscles surrounding my spine strong and to "keep up the weightlifting".

I started focusing on ENERGY more in late 2016 / 2017 because things were starting to take off with the band again and I didn’t want to let musical opportunities pass me by. After that tour, things just went off the rails for a bit and I lost my car for a couple of years and had to walk and carry anything that was with me literally everywhere. I was too exhausted from overworking myself physically to even keep a routine. I was also in one of the worst mental states of my life at the time, so it just wasn't happening.

Music has, does, and always will come before anything else, but it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that focusing on my physical health will lead to me creating more music because I will not be miserable all the time anymore. My musical output pretty much stopped as soon as I stopped working out my body...

At least I'm working on it now. 

Next up: my diet...

Friday, August 5th, 2022

 Living with BPD means being afraid of my moods even when I'm feeling on top of the world. 

I start a lot of my days feeling absolutely great. Like I could record a song, go for some exercise, be productive, yet social, etc.

Then in the same day, one small inconvenience (too trivial to even mention) will send me spiraling out of control. This causes my adrenal gland or whatever to fire off all of my fight or flight chemicals. After one bout of splitting, my energy is depleted so much that I often require a few hours of sleep afterwords.

My mental illness wasn't always this bad...or maybe it was? 

A lot of what has stopped me dead in my tracks from thinking that these issues are NOT in fact issues with me is the fact that every behavioral and / or mood issue of mine has been a problem for every single human being that I have ever got to know / had to interact with for long periods of time.

I am just so embarrassed of how little control I feel over this disorder, and now they're telling me that I might have bipolar 2 as well because of my hypo-mania combined with my days-on-end depression episodes.

BPD and bipolar are often confused, and with good reason in my opinion. They seem to have a lot of overlapping symptoms. I can sort of see why they're suspecting that I might have bipolar 2 as well though. I just can't articulate it very well right now because I'm not a doctor.

Tiffany and I went to bed last night with the plans of going for a walk in the cemetery at some point today. It's truly a peaceful and serene place that I look forward to visiting for years to come. I'm so glad she showed it to me the other day, because I instantly saw so many future bonding moments for us there.

I feel good about today. I want to stay feeling good about today.

P.S.

I uploaded a live performance of "I Killed Your Boyfriend" from 2017 to ENERGY's YouTube channel.

Someone sent this in (along with some other songs), and it's been a trip seeing such high quality footage of myself back then. Tiffany had mentioned that a lot of the other footage of ENERGY on the internet is either blurry, or it doesn't look like me anymore because the band has been around for so long, so obviously I'm going to appear different. 

She said it finally felt like she was seeing what it looks like when the current me performs. I really, really liked that she said that. 

I love my life, and I'm so grateful for Tiffany as well as new people coming into my life lately.

I just feel very blessed right now. Thank you for reading this, and I'm sorry if my mental illness has ever directly affected you.

Sunday, July 17th, 2022

I started writing in here last night, but got too depressed and sidetracked to actually start anything.

My BPD has been pretty bad this past week. 

I've been feeling completely hopeless when it comes to creating new music, and I feel as if I'm facing some sort of writer's block. The actual instrumentation seems to come out of me with no issues whatsoever, but the entire idea of what a song should be about feels lost on me. Right now at least.

I know that I have personally been through so much in the time since ENERGY last released new original music (2017), and that I have "plenty to write about", but I'm having a hard time figuring out how exactly I want to say all of these things, and how I want to express my emotions the way I want to lyrically.

I woke up feeling alright today. I just hope that I don't misinterpret anything that is said my way by anyone online or not. I continuously have intrusive thoughts where every single action or word that is being said to me is being done so in a strategic manner in order to manipulate and control me in some way. I don't alway feel this way, but it gets overwhelming when my BPD acts up.

I have to constantly remove myself mentally from every interpersonal situation that I'm in and ask myself if there is an actual problem right now, or if I am just having an intrusive thought. It is so much easier to just stay indoors sometimes, but even then I see things online that cause me to start splitting immediately. 

I do not believe that avoiding the things that cause these thoughts is the answer.

I believe that facing these things head-on and learning to cope with your existing surroundings, obstacles, perceived conflicts / attacks on you, temptations, annoying comments, annoying opinions, negative online bullshit, etc. is a much healthier way of dealing with the intrusive thoughts. 

I believe this because all of these things will always exist, but you can change the way your mind reacts to them. 

I've been wanting to at least publish something in here so that I could get some writing in while I still have the energy. My back has been hurting a lot, and I've just been feeling overall tired and depressed. 

I just hope today goes by without too many BPD episodes for me. I actually do feel OK right now, but I've been completely alone...so why wouldn't I be? I really don't like myself / who I am when I'm splitting.

I guess that's it for now.

I'll try to make the next update more positive or something, but I'm just not feeling that great about myself, my music, etc. and I don't really have any friends to talk to either. I feel so uncomfortable talking to every single person I know about personal things. I just vent to my therapist once a week and it honestly just sounds sad coming out of my mouth when I tell her that she's the only person I talk to about any of this.

I just haven't been enjoying my life much lately. I'm usually very optimistic and positive, but I feel like my mind and body are about to crash and burn or something. I don't exercise because I'm in pain and exhausted. I don't eat well because I'm never hungry and have an eating disorder. I don't go outside at all.

There are clear things that I can do to help improve my mental health, and I'm going to try to do these things. 

I just needed to vent here that's all. Even on here I feel like I have to justify my complaining every step of the way or I'm going to be perceived as a lazy, whiny, brat.

I don't know else to say.

Here's to a positive day...please GOD.

May 19th - May 21st, 2022

 

Sunday, February 27th, 2022 (09:34 am)

Yesterday, I started making a morning schedule / planner for myself because I am very disorganized and I believe this is the only way I'm going to ever accomplish anything. My new morning routine consists of simple things, but these simple things are very difficult to stick to for someone like me. 

I wake up and shower immediately because I know for a fact that sets a positive tone for the beginning of any day. I have often neglected things like basic hygiene in the past because of depression, ADHD, and probably my other diagnosis as well. For instance, I showered today for the first time in days because I just couldn't convince myself that there was anything worth getting ready for that day. I think that I may have been subconsciously deciding how every day will go based on how I start it. 

Next on the list is to change into comfortable enough clothing to work out in. I go make a coffee, take my first daily medication, and perhaps eat something if I'm up for it. I usually feel sick at the thought of food in the morning for some reason. Perhaps it's because I start my day with just coffee and meds. I'm not sure.

Then I get out the yoga mat, stretch, and do crunches. After that, I do a few sets of push-ups. I'm trying to take it easy on myself this time around so that I can actually work out again tomorrow. It seems to be a typical thing that people tend to do when they decide they want to work out. They hit the workouts really hard, feel really good about it...then the next two days get progressively worse on your muscles, discouraging you from wanting to get back into it once you've recuperated. Trying to avoid that this time.

Next on my list is to get "properly" dressed. I don't really know what I want to wear today, and I think there's still a bit of laundry to do, so I'm just wearing some Dickies pants for now. I'll change into jeans later.

I guess what I'm supposed to do next is have a smoothie and then journal, but like I said, the thought of food in the morning has always been fairly off-putting to me. I can usually stomach some kind of sugar or pastry, but that kind of sugar right at the beginning of my day isn't good for me. Coffee is obviously an appetite suppressant, so that could be playing a part. I've just always had a lot of difficulty when it comes to food. Almost everyone I know is convinced that I have an eating disorder, and I'm pretty sure I probably do. I think the reason that it never manifested into anything dangerous is because of how afraid of hospital procedures I am. I know that a bad diet will lead me there, so I have smoothies and all the vitamins that I require throughout any given day. I guess I would just prefer to drink my food. Being a fruitarian doesn't even sound remotely difficult aside from not having coffee anymore. I bet there's a way to drink coffee that aligns with the fruitarian ideology though.

You know...

I do feel pretty good after simply going through one daily routine so far and executing it to the best of my ability. It feels like I've already accomplished a few things and am ready to approach the day. This all might seem like common sense, but I've never been into scheduling anything really. I hated scheduling releases for ENERGY. All my life I have hated scheduling plans with people. I'd rather just release the music when it's ready. I'd rather just have hangouts be on a whim. Unfortunately, things don't really work like that once you're an adult. 

I've been working on some new music with someone I haven't worked with yet and it's going very well so far. I've been sending over the guitar layers that I write and track here, while they build a rhythm foundation behind it. One song is really, really starting to take shape and I feel like I'm being lazy about it.

I just never thought that I'd find someone to collaborate with again, but here I am needing to track ALL of my riffs now because I found someone with potential. I don't want to say exactly why I believe the music I'm making with this individual is the next step for ENERGY, but we both know and that's all that matters ;)

Some of my closest friends have already heard some demos, but I can tell that the demos aren't quite where they need to be yet. Also, there are no vocals yet. I'm concentrating more on the musical end of things this time, and treating my vocals and lyrics like a final addition to music that would be cool on its own. Of course we're structuring it to have vocals, but it's not my primary concern this time around. I know the vocals will come out great once I have the right ideas. 

I honestly hope for this to be a new chapter with ENERGY. I know I've said that so many times, but each time is a new chapter. I've been the sole songwriter for the last 10 years now. I think people get that I wrote all the music from 2012-2017 myself. I was on a mission to prove that I could be catchier, and just as good in a different way than the band had been up until that point. That was my goal with Apparition Sound, and the "Under The Mask" EP was just a continuation of that. 

Here's a slight hint of where the sound might be going based on our existing output. This is what a setlist would look like if I had my way. Fill in the rest with our new, so far untitled songs:

01. Invasions

02. New Worlds Of Fear

03. Hunter Red

04. The Witching Hour

05. Under The Mask

06. The Shadowlands

07. Walk Into The Fire

I might want to throw other songs in there if people literally ask us to perform them, but I'm just not very interested in putting too many songs from our first two records in a set. I'm not trying to fit in with the punk or hardcore scene anymore. ENERGY is well established there, and I want to branch out. 

I enjoyed writing the poppier songs that we have when I was writing them, I just don't care to prove that I can write a catchy song anymore. I'm interested in expressing myself the way I want to, and I know that the vocals will be catchy because I won't let them suck. I also enjoy the emotional ballads like "They" and "Leave Me Alone". However, I feel as though the ballads sometimes come across better on the recording or when saved for an acoustic performance than during a full band live performance. I just always got the feeling that ENERGY is supposed to have this very broad sound that allows us to play with anyone and everyone under the umbrella of "rock", and possibly even more. This new sound I'm working on will probably take some people by surprise, but the people who actually know me shouldn't be surprised at all. 

I can't wait to finish this. I think the more I talk about it publicly, the more excited I get.

Ok, it's 10:54 am. I'm done journaling. 

Thursday, January 6th, 2022

 Today I woke up a little after noon. I took my medication right away because I was two hours late taking it.

Tiffany is still asleep, but we were up pretty late last night so I understand. 

I feel like my new meds are working, but it could just be a placebo effect right now. Either way, I've been feeling more productive since I started on them.

I had a splitting headache last night though, so I'm just hoping that was mild withdrawals from the meds that I just stopped, and not a reaction to the new meds. 

I just wanted to talk a little bit about how grateful I am that my life is so amazing right now.

This time last year, we were living out of a hotel (for 6 months) with a microwave sized refrigerator, all of our belongings in a storage unit, and no vehicle whatsoever. I was continuing my pattern of walking all the way down to the shopping plaza (summer, heat, rain, winter, snow...didn't matter), and carrying all of our groceries back up the hill. I am fairly sure that I wore down the discs between 

It was during this time that I realized I am truly alone in the sense that I just have to keep going. I feel incredibly thankful for the people who helped me through some of the more desperate moments of my life from 2018-2021. My friend Nadeen in particular. I have never had a complete stranger just fully believe in me like her. I could have just given up and some part of my brain would have seen being a homeless person as a type of opportunity to live a more fulfilling life, but I knew that wasn't what I wanted out of life...so I just kept repeating the process day after day after day for years.

Then one day in March, after being there since October 1st, 2020, we finally moved into our newly renovated apartment, I got a better vehicle than I EVER thought I would actually own (yes, 100% owned / mine), and my financial situation FINALLY straightened out due to reasons beyond anyone's control. 

I actually feel hopeful and positive about the future. I have everything I need right at my fingertips to make new ENERGY music (and just music in general I suppose). My record and CD collection is more organized and expansive than it has ever been. I have been replacing a lot of CDs that had gotten damaged or destroyed throughout my turbulent adolescence in an attempt to reconnect with my inner child. I'm always doing that with music. I know every disc that I owned back in 1999, and I'm just going to keep acquiring them again until the list in my head is empty.

I've also been able to get so many things that are necessary for both Tiffany and I to live artistically fulfilling lives. I feel very good about that. I feel as though I'm "providing" for us in a sense in that way. That's something I NEVER felt in ANY previous relationship I've had in my life. I'm just glad that my partner during this time is someone who actually deserves and will appreciate these types of rewards in life.

I had therapy yesterday. I go twice a week, and I'm currently doing EMDR therapy to help with my C-PTSD. I like my therapist. They don't seem to be casting any type of judgment on me, yet they also don't seem entertained the way most people are by my insane stories. Instead, they seem to want to help me process those memories better. I like that. I hate people who just let me run the show 100% because I just will unless they stop me. 

I feel like I'm finally leveling out. Gotta get back into fitness soon though...one step at a time.

As far as today goes: I hope to get what we need at the store with as little stress as possible, and I want Tiffany and I both to do something separately that artistically satisfies us today.

I'm probably gonna just gonna continue hanging out watching YouTube or maybe reading this new book I got until Tiffany wakes up.

Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Photo by Tiffany Moon

Lately Tiffany and I have been working very hard (mostly Tiffany) to re-organize our apartment into the best possible space for creativity. 

I've been trying new medications for certain mental illnesses. So far I'm on my second one because the first one didn't seem to be doing anything after a month. Today is my first day on the new meds.

The Misfits have been on my mind so much lately. I don't know why, but I suddenly go the urge to re-purchase any of their albums that I lost, or got scratched / ruined over time. I own it all on vinyl (aside from American Psycho), but I grew up with CDs. I remember discovering this music as a kid on CD. It wasn't until late December of 2008 when I got my first Misfits vinyl record (Collection II). I remember this because I lost over 150 DVDs while staying at a hotel that night.

I was supposed to go to the RMV today, but I cancelled because of the new variant and Tiffany and I's mutual concern for our own safety. There are people here who tested positive and are still just walking around without a masks on. Not only is this taking place in my complex, but someone on the floor above us and their child have it, along with the father of the child who walks in and out of my building freely without a mask despite testing positive.

I also cancelled my physical therapy appointment for tomorrow because we just don't want to be going to a hospital when this new variant is getting so bad. I have no issues staying indoors - I prefer it most of the time, but people seem to be getting sick left and right. While that is scary, I know for a fact that I leave my house and am around so many less people than your average person. I quite literally go to the store and back for groceries. I have literally zero friends outside of this apartment, so I don't go see my friends like everyone else seems to have been doing.

The best I can do is get my booster when it's been long enough (we got our vaccine a little late), wash my hands habitually, and wear a mask EVERYWHERE. Even in the hallway upon leaving my apartment while walking out to my car. I have to...because these morons are walking around having tested positive for COVID-19 without masks INSIDE the hallway right outside my door. I have already had words with this individual, but now I don't even want to berate this idiot because I don't want to get to close to them.

Yavid will be dropping a new music video for the song "DB4D" today. I can't wait. David Gunn is probably the most consistent, and intense musician /writer I've ever come across. I've read his book, listened to all the Gunncasts, seen and listened to every possible interview on YouTube, etc. When I discover an artist that intrigues me, I go full speed ahead into their catalogue and career. I need to know every single detail. 

This has been a fairly scattered entry, but my brain is always jumping around from topic to topic anyway...ADHD.

This blog used to get a lot of traffic (see the hit counter below), but I've tried to keep it alive even if no one is reading it. I also plan on using this a little more often as a way to just get my thoughts out. I quite literally have no one that I feel as if I can talk to about what's on my mind a lot of the time, so why not just write in here...

Now, until the next entry...thanks for reading.