Thursday, January 6th, 2022

 Today I woke up a little after noon. I took my medication right away because I was two hours late taking it.

Tiffany is still asleep, but we were up pretty late last night so I understand. 

I feel like my new meds are working, but it could just be a placebo effect right now. Either way, I've been feeling more productive since I started on them.

I had a splitting headache last night though, so I'm just hoping that was mild withdrawals from the meds that I just stopped, and not a reaction to the new meds. 

I just wanted to talk a little bit about how grateful I am that my life is so amazing right now.

This time last year, we were living out of a hotel (for 6 months) with a microwave sized refrigerator, all of our belongings in a storage unit, and no vehicle whatsoever. I was continuing my pattern of walking all the way down to the shopping plaza (summer, heat, rain, winter, snow...didn't matter), and carrying all of our groceries back up the hill. I am fairly sure that I wore down the discs between 

It was during this time that I realized I am truly alone in the sense that I just have to keep going. I feel incredibly thankful for the people who helped me through some of the more desperate moments of my life from 2018-2021. My friend Nadeen in particular. I have never had a complete stranger just fully believe in me like her. I could have just given up and some part of my brain would have seen being a homeless person as a type of opportunity to live a more fulfilling life, but I knew that wasn't what I wanted out of life...so I just kept repeating the process day after day after day for years.

Then one day in March, after being there since October 1st, 2020, we finally moved into our newly renovated apartment, I got a better vehicle than I EVER thought I would actually own (yes, 100% owned / mine), and my financial situation FINALLY straightened out due to reasons beyond anyone's control. 

I actually feel hopeful and positive about the future. I have everything I need right at my fingertips to make new ENERGY music (and just music in general I suppose). My record and CD collection is more organized and expansive than it has ever been. I have been replacing a lot of CDs that had gotten damaged or destroyed throughout my turbulent adolescence in an attempt to reconnect with my inner child. I'm always doing that with music. I know every disc that I owned back in 1999, and I'm just going to keep acquiring them again until the list in my head is empty.

I've also been able to get so many things that are necessary for both Tiffany and I to live artistically fulfilling lives. I feel very good about that. I feel as though I'm "providing" for us in a sense in that way. That's something I NEVER felt in ANY previous relationship I've had in my life. I'm just glad that my partner during this time is someone who actually deserves and will appreciate these types of rewards in life.

I had therapy yesterday. I go twice a week, and I'm currently doing EMDR therapy to help with my C-PTSD. I like my therapist. They don't seem to be casting any type of judgment on me, yet they also don't seem entertained the way most people are by my insane stories. Instead, they seem to want to help me process those memories better. I like that. I hate people who just let me run the show 100% because I just will unless they stop me. 

I feel like I'm finally leveling out. Gotta get back into fitness soon though...one step at a time.

As far as today goes: I hope to get what we need at the store with as little stress as possible, and I want Tiffany and I both to do something separately that artistically satisfies us today.

I'm probably gonna just gonna continue hanging out watching YouTube or maybe reading this new book I got until Tiffany wakes up.

Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Photo by Tiffany Moon

Lately Tiffany and I have been working very hard (mostly Tiffany) to re-organize our apartment into the best possible space for creativity. 

I've been trying new medications for certain mental illnesses. So far I'm on my second one because the first one didn't seem to be doing anything after a month. Today is my first day on the new meds.

The Misfits have been on my mind so much lately. I don't know why, but I suddenly go the urge to re-purchase any of their albums that I lost, or got scratched / ruined over time. I own it all on vinyl (aside from American Psycho), but I grew up with CDs. I remember discovering this music as a kid on CD. It wasn't until late December of 2008 when I got my first Misfits vinyl record (Collection II). I remember this because I lost over 150 DVDs while staying at a hotel that night.

I was supposed to go to the RMV today, but I cancelled because of the new variant and Tiffany and I's mutual concern for our own safety. There are people here who tested positive and are still just walking around without a masks on. Not only is this taking place in my complex, but someone on the floor above us and their child have it, along with the father of the child who walks in and out of my building freely without a mask despite testing positive.

I also cancelled my physical therapy appointment for tomorrow because we just don't want to be going to a hospital when this new variant is getting so bad. I have no issues staying indoors - I prefer it most of the time, but people seem to be getting sick left and right. While that is scary, I know for a fact that I leave my house and am around so many less people than your average person. I quite literally go to the store and back for groceries. I have literally zero friends outside of this apartment, so I don't go see my friends like everyone else seems to have been doing.

The best I can do is get my booster when it's been long enough (we got our vaccine a little late), wash my hands habitually, and wear a mask EVERYWHERE. Even in the hallway upon leaving my apartment while walking out to my car. I have to...because these morons are walking around having tested positive for COVID-19 without masks INSIDE the hallway right outside my door. I have already had words with this individual, but now I don't even want to berate this idiot because I don't want to get to close to them.

Yavid will be dropping a new music video for the song "DB4D" today. I can't wait. David Gunn is probably the most consistent, and intense musician /writer I've ever come across. I've read his book, listened to all the Gunncasts, seen and listened to every possible interview on YouTube, etc. When I discover an artist that intrigues me, I go full speed ahead into their catalogue and career. I need to know every single detail. 

This has been a fairly scattered entry, but my brain is always jumping around from topic to topic anyway...ADHD.

This blog used to get a lot of traffic (see the hit counter below), but I've tried to keep it alive even if no one is reading it. I also plan on using this a little more often as a way to just get my thoughts out. I quite literally have no one that I feel as if I can talk to about what's on my mind a lot of the time, so why not just write in here...

Now, until the next entry...thanks for reading.