Tuesday, December 3rd, 2024

Well as usual I haven't updated in a while. Except this time, I won't even remotely entertain the idea that I'll be updating again any time soon.

My last update was when I saw and met King 810. Since then I've seen Zheani twice and got a band to play with me as ENERGY.

Halloween was nice. It's hard for me to be happy these days.

Nothing is making me feel good. I thought that getting the band back would make me happy, but I dread the activities surrounding it to the point where I'm not even sure that I enjoy being in a band anymore. Of course that could completely change by the end of the day with my insane mood swings. I've been feeling this way since our last show a couple of weeks ago though. 

I realized today that I haven't made a single friend in my 30's. I'll be 40 in exactly 3 months. I don't go anywhere except to the grocery store and back. Social outings are a nightmare for me, and I'm not even sure that I want to have friends. 

I'm feeling really depressed right now. I hate social media, but it's one of the only ways to distract myself from the horrible feelings inside. I used to smoke weed to fix this, but now I can't. 

I'm finally down to a reasonable weight where I don't hate my body (as much). I'm growing my hair back out because I realized that it was a terrible mistake I made. I haven't been this impulsive in my entire life. I hope I'm ok. 

I don't have much else to say, I just wanted to document this horrible feeling of depression. 

I just want to sleep forever.

Sunday, August 4th, 2024

 I finally got to see @king810flint live this past Sunday at @soniamideast in Cambridge, MA with @pixiemooncave

It’s taken me a few days of rest after the fact for me focus enough to make this post(s), but here we go…

The entire experience was so cool. I love going to shows with @pixiemooncave. I just wish I didn’t have so much pre-show anxiety. I really get in my own way of having fun a lot of the time. 

There weren’t very many people there, but the energy was high. I basically had my elbows resting on the stage. I tried to keep my distance and be respectful though because I didn’t want to interfere with their performance in any way. 

It was unreal watching them play. I honestly can’t think of too many artists that put on a better performance than them. Absolutely flawless. 

They played songs from every album aside from Midwest Monsters. 

@dkgunn and @eugeneaaron were so cool for listening to me ramble on and ask them a million questions after the show. 

Things just kept popping into my head and I just kept saying everything. David seemed really engaged. We just talked like normal people. He’s really calm and quiet despite how intense he is onstage. We must have talked for a half hour, maybe more. I honestly can’t remember. 

I’m glad that I was last in line for the meet and greet though because I just could not shut up and am glad I didn’t get in anyone else’s way. I just hope I wasn’t too annoying 😬 

I brought David’s book “Summertime in Murdertown” and had him sign it. I also brought the inserts to all seven of their CDs and stuck them inside his book so they wouldn’t get damaged on the way there and back. Him and Eugene signed all of them.

I got a VIP pass so it would be a guarantee that I’d meet them. The things that came with the VIP were worth the price alone. 

I bought two t-shirts the minute I walked in the door, and their merch guy was nice enough to hold all of my belongings inside my VIP bag. 

I also noticed that they had their “follow my tears” EP on vinyl for sale at the merch table. It was the only one of their albums that I didn’t own on vinyl.

It sold out almost immediately online and has remained out of stock ever since. I mentioned it to the band and they said that they just forgot to put it back up on the site. 

However, after the show I noticed that my exclusive VIP shirt was missing from my bag. They told me that they didn’t have any more in my size and that I could pick out any other shirt design I wanted from their table. 

I was a bit bummed and slightly disappointed, but I saw what the shirt design was from other people’s bags and wasn’t in love with it to be honest. I still would have liked one just for the memory of being there for that specific tour. 

Instead of asking for another shirt design, I asked if I could replace it with the vinyl that I was missing and the merch guy said “done deal” or “sounds good to me”. Something along those lines. David said “see, you manifested that shit”. 

I opened it right up and David and Eugene signed it. I also asked why their last two releases both said K5 and David confirmed that they are parts one and two of the same release.

KING has been one of, if not my favorite band for years now, and David Gunn is without a doubt my favorite lyricist. It was surreal to finally meet him to say the least. 

I first discovered KING because I had read somewhere that there was this band who played with armed guards onstage, so I had to see what that was all about. 

The first song I heard was “War Outside”, which was the video where they had people with guns on each side of the stage. 

I remember watching the video and not quite understanding it at first. I liked the music and could tell they were nu metal. I just wasn’t enthralled yet, and I couldn’t quite make out what David looked like because he had a shaved head and was in all black jumpsuit type of thing. Gloves and all. It seems as if he was trying to neutralize his identity entirely.

Once the bridge of the song started, I began to understand that they were singing about drastically different things than the hardcore bands I knew of growing up were. 

This wasn’t the cheesy and embarrassing posturing I was used to hearing from “tough guy” bands. This was real. This felt like the person writing these words was doing the opposite of bragging about living a rough life on the streets. It seemed to have affected him in ways that he wished he never had to witness or experience. 

However, it was the final lyrics of the song that sold me on the band immediately. I won’t just sit here and copy & paste the lyrics (go listen to it for yourself). 

I could tell that there was so much more to this band than meets the eye and that they would definitely evolve and change in ways that other bands can’t. Looking back, I was completely right.

I immediately started clicking all of their videos and kept finding one incredible song after another. I couldn’t believe some of the things coming out of this guy’s mouth. It just kept getting more and more intense. Very blunt but poetic. 

To summarize this long post - Their music has been a constant companion for me throughout all of the mental and emotional turmoil that I’ve experienced over the last 5 or 6 (?) years, and made me realize a lot of things about my own traumas. 

I identified with certain lyrics literally and some metaphorically. Others just plain made me grateful that I didn’t have to go through as bad of an upbringing as others have. 

David Gunn is a genius, and I will be a fan for the rest of my life. 

#KINGISLOVE

Tuesday, May 14th, 2024 - YouTube Update

 

Tuesday, May 7th, 2024 - YouTube Update

 

Monday, April 1st, 2024

From March 18th to March 20th, PiX and I went to see Ministry, Gary Numan, and Front Line Assembly at Roadrunner in Boston, Zheani in Brooklyn, and spent the following day in Times Square. This was one of the best experiences of my life and our relationship. We didn't get to reflect much on our trip though because we both woke up really sick the very next day after arriving home. She's actually still recovering. 

Seeing Ministry was amazing aside from a few things. I was right up front and got to see Al and the band up close. It was incredible. They played half of the new album, and the rest of the set was older songs. I did however bruise my rib and lose a shirt in the pit. I was really angry at the time when I lost the shirt, but it's obviously something I just had to accept. I tried buying another one after the show was over and they sold out of my size. Only extra smalls left...bummer. I'm hoping their website might have leftovers eventually. 

The Zheani show was really fun. We were right up front for this one too except this was a really small club. It was Zheani's first ever tour of the U.S. and she gave me the mic for a few lines during my favorite song of hers "Tarantulas". I got a long sleeve, a zine, and a vinyl record of her new album "The Spiritual Meat Grinder". PiX got the same things as I did, except she got a different shirt. 

After the show, we were able to meet and take photos with Zheani. We were both so nervous and starstruck. She thanked me for singing along and complimented PiX's outfit. Absolutely mind-blowing to meet her after admiring her work for so many years.

We slept in my car in a Walmart parking lot using the mattress from our couch. Once we woke up we decided to spend the day in Times Square because we were already in New York. We've been together for almost 7 years now and it was our first real "vacation". This was a more than incredible experience. We'd been to concerts before the pandemic, but this was truly a special outing that I'll never forget :)

I haven't spoken to my mother since early December. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but it's for the best. She's the main source of most of my traumas. She sets off my BPD and my bipolar way too often and sends me into manic frenzies. I've been in a much calmer place mentally and emotionally since I cut her off. Again, I feel bad...but it's for the best. She didn't wish me a happy birthday, and I didn't wish her one either. Today is actually her birthday. 

My dad's birthday was yesterday and I visited him on Saturday. My brother Eric was there with his girlfriend Emma. PiX was too sick to go. They gave us a bunch of vegan snacks, but they made PiX and I sick the next day. We've been trying to cut sugar out of our diets and it was just a total overload eating what they gave us. I hate having to deal with food. Apparently my eating disorder is called "Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)". That's all I'll say about that. 

PiX has been painting a lot which always makes me happy. I've been working on my own artistic endeavors, but I've successfully avoided speaking on them publicly. You'll know when everyone knows. That's about it for now. I'm going to end this post with a bunch of photos from our trip. 

MINISTRY / GARY NUMAN

(March 18th, 2024)

ZHEANI

(March 19th, 2024)

 

TIMES SQUARE

(March 20th, 2024)