Jan. 8th, 2007 at 6:07 AM

I have a show tomorrow in worcester with verse. I'm happy about the cd coming out, but at the same time, I just can't wait to write the full length. the one new song we have is definatley the direction I wanted the band to go in, in the first place. it's cool though, it's an accomplishment, my first cd of songs I wrote with my band, in a case with a booklet and everything. I finally did it, I got some people together and started a band, and got a small following. I'm not trying to take away from the personal milestone it will be when I first have the cd in my hands, but I just want to go forward from here. The second guitarist situation is starting to really get to me...... 

I went to Tj's with Julia today. It was fun, seeing as it's going to be the last time we go out together for a while because of me going out. She's the only person I can truly be myself around. I am truly at ease when around her, and I will miss her more than anything when I'm gone. I hope I don't have a nervous breakdown on tour. I really just want to be able to handle all of this more than anything, but I just don't know...

I am always so sad, I don't know what's wrong with me, people are always asking me "are you ok?" when I'm just standing/sitting there. I guess I look it too. I'm not unhappy about anything I can change. That pretty much sums it up. I'm just sad about things that I will never, ever, be able to change. I seriously want to die when I think back to certain "Eras" of my past. There were so many I can't even count them, and I can't go back and re-visit them. Even as the days go by...I will soon miss these days the same way. But will I stop and embrace the good times as they come? No. Instead, I will just spend most of the time being sad about not being able to have the past back. A time machine would truly make me happy. (Insert "Can't turn back the hands of time" joke here) Just to be able to go back to a time and place and have it be exactly the way I remembered it. Because, very often, I go back to places by myself, that remind me of a certain point in time, and in the car, I play the records that I listened to during that point in time, trying to just get a glimpse, maybe capture that feeling one more time, but all I'm ever left with is teary eyes, and that horrible feeling inside my chest.

That's probably why leaving Stoughton scares me so much. I've lived here my entire life. This town is a part of me, it's all I know.

I don't know what else to say. I'm constantly on the verge of tears anytime you see me, I'm just holding it all inside and forcing myself to be unlike how I really am, and forcing conversation. What's the point of anything?

It's 6:30 AM now. God dammit. I don't do anything, ever. I'm a very boring person. I really wonder why anyone is even friends with me. I don't offer you anything. Think about it.

Jan. 7th, 2007 at 3:56 AM

Today I woke up and went to the gym with Josh, went home, showered, then headed to the show. It was fun, more fun than the H2O show. Joe got onto Sick's shoulders for the solo in "Ghosts" it was awesome. Did a shirt trade with Ambitions which is cool...and here I am at 4:15 AM. I'm going to Tj's Tomorrow with Duck, that should be nice. Show monday with Verse, hopefully our cd's are in by then...

I don't hang out with anyone, and if I do, it's only for an hour or 2 at my apartment and then they go home...is life really this boring? or do I just make it this way for myself? I don't know.

Hopefully I'll get my x's covered up by Zane before I leave for tour...tour, how am I going to cope with this...? You'd think someone as into being a career musician would be super into touring, but not me. I hate strangers, being away from familiarity(Scenery in Stoughton), I'll miss my friends, I'll miss Julia :(, I can't just go to Al's if I wanted to, or go to Stop And Shop with my friends. I'll be stuck in a very cramped van for long, long drives...I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I can't fall asleep in the van(Yet, I'm constantly exhausted to the point of hallucination) I can't read, to pass the time because I get sick when I do.

I guess that does go to show you how much I must love playing this music though. I'll put myself through everything I hate just to do what I love.

I guess that's it for now, I'm going to finish watching Mr. Show and then go to bed.

Energy - Live at Elk's Lodge in Cambridge, MA (Photos by Todd Pollock)

Photos by Todd Pollock