I have a show tomorrow in worcester with verse. I'm happy about the cd coming out, but at the same time, I just can't wait to write the full length. the one new song we have is definatley the direction I wanted the band to go in, in the first place. it's cool though, it's an accomplishment, my first cd of songs I wrote with my band, in a case with a booklet and everything. I finally did it, I got some people together and started a band, and got a small following. I'm not trying to take away from the personal milestone it will be when I first have the cd in my hands, but I just want to go forward from here. The second guitarist situation is starting to really get to me......
I went to Tj's with Julia today. It was fun, seeing as it's going to be the last time we go out together for a while because of me going out. She's the only person I can truly be myself around. I am truly at ease when around her, and I will miss her more than anything when I'm gone. I hope I don't have a nervous breakdown on tour. I really just want to be able to handle all of this more than anything, but I just don't know...
I am always so sad, I don't know what's wrong with me, people are always asking me "are you ok?" when I'm just standing/sitting there. I guess I look it too. I'm not unhappy about anything I can change. That pretty much sums it up. I'm just sad about things that I will never, ever, be able to change. I seriously want to die when I think back to certain "Eras" of my past. There were so many I can't even count them, and I can't go back and re-visit them. Even as the days go by...I will soon miss these days the same way. But will I stop and embrace the good times as they come? No. Instead, I will just spend most of the time being sad about not being able to have the past back. A time machine would truly make me happy. (Insert "Can't turn back the hands of time" joke here) Just to be able to go back to a time and place and have it be exactly the way I remembered it. Because, very often, I go back to places by myself, that remind me of a certain point in time, and in the car, I play the records that I listened to during that point in time, trying to just get a glimpse, maybe capture that feeling one more time, but all I'm ever left with is teary eyes, and that horrible feeling inside my chest.
That's probably why leaving Stoughton scares me so much. I've lived here my entire life. This town is a part of me, it's all I know.
I don't know what else to say. I'm constantly on the verge of tears anytime you see me, I'm just holding it all inside and forcing myself to be unlike how I really am, and forcing conversation. What's the point of anything?
It's 6:30 AM now. God dammit. I don't do anything, ever. I'm a very boring person. I really wonder why anyone is even friends with me. I don't offer you anything. Think about it.
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