I am beyond pissed off that I have to leave in like 4 days for an east coast tour ..... again.
Long van rides. Nothing. Aggravation. Hunger. Nothing. More nothing. Tired. Hungry. More nothing. Depression. Anger. Nothing.
Unload/play/load ....repeat
It beats having a job though.
And I will never stop.
Besides music, love, and ice cream.....
What's the point of living?
I'm getting a record player from Chris Nothing :)
Show today was good.
Go it alone is dead now - another reason for me to look back and miss something/place and want to die.
Who gives a shit. Feelings are all in your head, and nothing matters.
Seriously though to quote Bill Hicks "Its just a ride"
FUCK
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Aug. 7th, 2007 at 1:50 AM
I didn't do anything today. All I did was wake up, watch TV, and downloaded cds. When Julia came home we went to stop and shop and got food cus she's awesome. The milk was bad so I drove back and returned it. That's the only time I left the apartment. Not really any different from any other day really.
Tomorrow we have practice, and Wednesday we have a show. That's the only time I do anything is when it's band related. We leave August 15th I think for 2 weeks until August 31st. Then when I come home....I won't come home because I won't have an apartment for 2 weeks after I get back(Til September 15th) - Pretty Shitty.
I should be writing and reading more. I always say that and I never do it. Whatever. I could read and write until I'm blind and my hands fall off and it doesn't matter anyways because we're all just going to die.
I want to believe in ghosts so bad. I want there to be life after death. I'm not one of those angry atheists who just wants to tear hope and happiness away from people because I see how dumb they are....I WISH I was that dumb. How great it would have been had I been born mentally retarded. I wouldn't have a care/worry in the world. I'd always be happy. And who knows, maybe I wouldn't understand death.
Humans are the only species that KNOW that they are DESTINED to die.
Every other species are too stupid to know. My cats don't know that they are without a doubt going to die,GUARANTEED, someday. They just live life and it comes and they never knew it until it happened. I wish I wasn't human. I wish I thought that there was a CHANCE I wouldn't die.
I am going to experience DYING. Do you understand how horrible that is?! No you don't. Neither do I.
I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I can't. It's all that's on my mind - Always.
There is a positive side to the way I am. I don't believe in self-destruction/degradation etc. I don't believe in unnecessary suffering of any kind. I genuinely WANT to be happy at ALL times. It just doesn't happen.
Eh, I'm spent on that subject for now.
If there is a god, I want to thank him for Ice Cream.
I've always had the Rollins band's "The End Of Silence" DEMOS, but never the actual album until now, and I'm glad I do.
I recently found the Marilyn Manson Autobiography in my mom's basement. There's some old pictures of him from back in the Spooky Kids days and I must say, he WAS pretty cute. It's amazing what TOO MUCH MAKEUP can do to someone - Yuck.
I was also reading about how much he wrote when he was younger which made me mad at myself for not writing more.
It's too bad he sings like a fucking idiot. Some of the songs aren't bad, he just tries way to hard to sound "Creepy,evil,satanic,etc".
Gimmicky voices suck.
This entry is getting long.
You probably won't read it.
Every time I go out, I realize why I CHOOSE to hang out by myself 99% of the time. No one else is me. And I don't disagree with myself constantly. I don't get in arguments with myself. When I'm around other people all I can do is see all of their flaws and it makes me not want to be with them. Of course, I have flaws as well, but to me, they aren't flaws. And that is truly all that matters - what I think. Because outside of my mind there is nothing. Inside my mind is everything. My perception is all that matters. If all I did with my time was rape, kill, and torture, and I didn't see it as being wrong, that would be all that matters, because I don't see it as wrong.
Chappelle's Show is on now I'm gonna go watch.
Tomorrow we have practice, and Wednesday we have a show. That's the only time I do anything is when it's band related. We leave August 15th I think for 2 weeks until August 31st. Then when I come home....I won't come home because I won't have an apartment for 2 weeks after I get back(Til September 15th) - Pretty Shitty.
I should be writing and reading more. I always say that and I never do it. Whatever. I could read and write until I'm blind and my hands fall off and it doesn't matter anyways because we're all just going to die.
I want to believe in ghosts so bad. I want there to be life after death. I'm not one of those angry atheists who just wants to tear hope and happiness away from people because I see how dumb they are....I WISH I was that dumb. How great it would have been had I been born mentally retarded. I wouldn't have a care/worry in the world. I'd always be happy. And who knows, maybe I wouldn't understand death.
Humans are the only species that KNOW that they are DESTINED to die.
Every other species are too stupid to know. My cats don't know that they are without a doubt going to die,GUARANTEED, someday. They just live life and it comes and they never knew it until it happened. I wish I wasn't human. I wish I thought that there was a CHANCE I wouldn't die.
I am going to experience DYING. Do you understand how horrible that is?! No you don't. Neither do I.
I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I can't. It's all that's on my mind - Always.
There is a positive side to the way I am. I don't believe in self-destruction/degradation etc. I don't believe in unnecessary suffering of any kind. I genuinely WANT to be happy at ALL times. It just doesn't happen.
Eh, I'm spent on that subject for now.
If there is a god, I want to thank him for Ice Cream.
I've always had the Rollins band's "The End Of Silence" DEMOS, but never the actual album until now, and I'm glad I do.
I recently found the Marilyn Manson Autobiography in my mom's basement. There's some old pictures of him from back in the Spooky Kids days and I must say, he WAS pretty cute. It's amazing what TOO MUCH MAKEUP can do to someone - Yuck.
I was also reading about how much he wrote when he was younger which made me mad at myself for not writing more.
It's too bad he sings like a fucking idiot. Some of the songs aren't bad, he just tries way to hard to sound "Creepy,evil,satanic,etc".
Gimmicky voices suck.
This entry is getting long.
You probably won't read it.
Every time I go out, I realize why I CHOOSE to hang out by myself 99% of the time. No one else is me. And I don't disagree with myself constantly. I don't get in arguments with myself. When I'm around other people all I can do is see all of their flaws and it makes me not want to be with them. Of course, I have flaws as well, but to me, they aren't flaws. And that is truly all that matters - what I think. Because outside of my mind there is nothing. Inside my mind is everything. My perception is all that matters. If all I did with my time was rape, kill, and torture, and I didn't see it as being wrong, that would be all that matters, because I don't see it as wrong.
Chappelle's Show is on now I'm gonna go watch.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Aug. 4th, 2007
Last night's show was really cool. I'm glad that so many people came out, it's just a shame that shows aren't like that all the time. That used to be a normal turnout, but this time is surprised everyone(including myself) and it shouldn't be that way. It takes a friends band breaking up for something like that to happen :(
Our set went really well(aside from being the least tight band in current music that is)
Kids I've never seen before were singing along to all the songs(even the new ones!) which really excited me. I'm glad people aren't abandoning us because of our change of sound, it was inevitable. Every band should try and explore new ground with every release. I firmly stand by that, because if you release the same album more than once, it's just a re-hashed version of what you already did and it's not very exciting.
I'm also REALLY happy to see that certain people aren't holding grudges towards us because of past member differences/mutual friendships etc.
I'm listening to the new Blaqk Audio cd "CexCells" it's really good(so far-my computer is so slow downloading things)
We're playing a show in Haverhill with COA and The Carrier today. should be fun.
I haven't been exercising AT ALL this past week. No running, no lifting, no sit-ups/pushups etc. I plan on getting back on top of all that starting tonight after I get back from the show.
Can't wait to spend all day tomorrow with Julia, I've only hung out with her once since Energy got back from tour, and we go back out pretty soon too, so I'd like to have as much time as I can to spend with her as possible.
I can't wait for our new record to just be written and recorded and released...not that I don't like playing our EP songs because, I've started to come around again on them in the aspect that they are our older songs(even though they're the majority of our set) I find comfort in knowing that they are old and that it's not a proper representation of what we all want to be doing right now, BUT at the same time they are good songs representing a certain time and place in our lives. I know that some people will not like our newer stuff but that's ok with me. As long as we like it.
Well I have to go finish getting ready for the show.
Thank you for reading :)
Our set went really well(aside from being the least tight band in current music that is)
Kids I've never seen before were singing along to all the songs(even the new ones!) which really excited me. I'm glad people aren't abandoning us because of our change of sound, it was inevitable. Every band should try and explore new ground with every release. I firmly stand by that, because if you release the same album more than once, it's just a re-hashed version of what you already did and it's not very exciting.
I'm also REALLY happy to see that certain people aren't holding grudges towards us because of past member differences/mutual friendships etc.
I'm listening to the new Blaqk Audio cd "CexCells" it's really good(so far-my computer is so slow downloading things)
We're playing a show in Haverhill with COA and The Carrier today. should be fun.
I haven't been exercising AT ALL this past week. No running, no lifting, no sit-ups/pushups etc. I plan on getting back on top of all that starting tonight after I get back from the show.
Can't wait to spend all day tomorrow with Julia, I've only hung out with her once since Energy got back from tour, and we go back out pretty soon too, so I'd like to have as much time as I can to spend with her as possible.
I can't wait for our new record to just be written and recorded and released...not that I don't like playing our EP songs because, I've started to come around again on them in the aspect that they are our older songs(even though they're the majority of our set) I find comfort in knowing that they are old and that it's not a proper representation of what we all want to be doing right now, BUT at the same time they are good songs representing a certain time and place in our lives. I know that some people will not like our newer stuff but that's ok with me. As long as we like it.
Well I have to go finish getting ready for the show.
Thank you for reading :)
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