I need a desk
I need a space of my own
I need my own place where I can take a shower, and not having it hanging over my head whether or not someone is upset with the amount of water I used.
I will get a job and I will get an apartment, and I will worry about how I will pay while i'm on tour, when the time comes.
I got some more of my sleeve worked on yesterday, like I said, it came out very good. If you would like to see it, then approace me in real life and see it. Because one thing I hate is when people only give compliments, online, or through text messages, or any other way to avoid real life situations.
BUT ANYWAYS,
I have disabled the commenting feature on my livejournal for the reasons listed above, and because I don't write this stuff for online feedback from people, I just hope that they take it in, and talk to me about some of the stuff in real life. It's a way to publicly express myself, without having to deal with annonymous commenting, or people commenting with the same boring shit I hear every day with no real feeling behind it. I saw this movie called "Pump up the Volume" about a month ago. It was great. It was about this kid (Christian Slater) who moved to a town where he knew no one and had the equiptment in his room that allowed him to have public broadcasting on his own local radio station. he shared his thoughts/philosophies/ and basically just his views on life, with whoever chose to listen.
That movie gave me this idea. Eliminate Commenting. Just use this as a way to say whatever you want, and whoever wants to "Tune In", can. Whoever doesn't want to, yet chooses to...(don't get that one) and gets aggravated, well, that sucks. ha, oh well.
SO with that said:
I really miss being a kid. Being able to go out after school and skateboard, listenig to my headphones, going around the old neighborhood, and not worrying about getting up in time for work, or Where i'm gonna sleep tonight, or what the future holds. I just went home and I had a desk, and my own personal space. I wonder what the 14 or 15 year old me, would think about the 21 year old me. I'll never know.
Often during my downtime, I will find parking lots and just sit and read, or write. It's kind of depressing if you think about it, but it's comforting.
American Psycho is my current favorite movie, the book I am currently finishing is Solipsist By Henry Rollins. Every word that comes off of Henry's Pen seems as if it were extracted straight from the inner most secrets of my brain. I really enjoy his books.
I did not go to Comeback Kid/Ignite tonight because everyone else had a ticket and knowing how things work out for me, it would end up being sold out, and I'd have to find my way home all by myself, wasting time, gas, and energy. so I didn't go. It wouldn't have been that much fun anyways because of my ribs. I pulled a muscle really bad and I can't do much without shooting pain. So needless to say I didn't have as much fun as I should have last night when Cold World played Brockton.
I'm having a hard time finding inspiration for writing lyrics, I have alot to say, but my fear of presenting it in a manner than might not be up to my own expectations, is what really holds me back. Yet, I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life, because it is what I do best, and at the same time, it is what i enjoy doing the most. If you don't find yourself assessing your own life the same way and acting on it, then I hope you find content in discontent, because you will never have done any of the things you wanted to, and you will have lived a life that a younger you, would never have aspired to. I am going to try my hardest to write lyrics tomorow(or maybe even tonight) but I don't know how that will go.
Everyone is still giving me a really hard time about getting a job, when I know that I need one. I will have one soon enough. And things will be back to "Normal".
I did nothing today.
I went to the mall with my brother, bubby, sas, and roe. We walked around, didn't buy anything, then me and roe left, I dropped him off, and proceeded to drive around aimlessly for about an hour and a half. Nightfall came like it does every night, and here I am at the end of another wasted day.
My dad called me up with his bullshit. "well, you must have a whole line up of places you're going tomorrow to look for a job right?" "yeah dad"
what a drag. that guy only calls me up when he's giving me shit, or I owe him money. I don't trust him for a second. Whenever my life decides to get exciting and I have the ability to be on my own and not have to deal with anyones bullshit, he won't even get so much as a phone call or anything. Everyone is useless to me. You're only there for some personal gain from me. What do you have to gain from Jason? I don't know, someone to laugh at. Someone to be a constand reminder of the superiority of you're situation over someone like mine'? Someone to reassure yourself that you've got it all under control. Hey, You're doin just fine! You're on your way through college, you've got a part time job, full time, whatever, or no job at all and get whatever you want anyway. Slowly avoiding the fact that you will unavoidably end up like everyone else, a miserable, probably alchoholic, 40 hour/salary worker. assuring yourself you're gonna be ok. For What? What is it that you're gonna be ok with? having a house, 2 kids and a wife you hate? You can have that life. I don't want it. It's not too late for me and I'm choosing now, that I don't want to life a mediocre life in a suburb somewhere, being the all american dad. Fuck You.
I kill people all day in my mind. For every flaw that I see in others that I don't allow myself to bullshit myself into, I destroy them. I run them over with my car with no consequence. For every peice of shit fuck head from stoughton whos ever said anything about me, I have fantasies of killing you. The law is the only thing stopping me. Because in my mind, you deserve it, so you do.
I've probably killed you before.
Back to Al's house now to escape reality for another night
Thanks for reading
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