I am not feeling very good about myself as of late. I am currently unemployed and no one I know is letting a second of time pass without letting me know that they are aware and have not forgotten about it. I go to my mothers to take a shower and do some laundry and hope to be left alone in the process. No such luck. I am forced to go to the store and by a paper to look for a job (at 8 am on a Saturday...) and i highlighted maybe 2 things that I am qualified for, that i will call on monday, because that's when you normally would look for a job.
My father is telling me if i don't have a job within the week that I have to put a for sale sign on it and leave it at his house, until my unemployment paychecks come and I can pay the bill. I pay it through him. I'm just going to have to get a job.
I am getting more of my sleeve worked on today with the money I have successfully hid from my parents. I am telling them that it's free because I brought my tattoo guy so much business that he is hooking me up.
With everyone yelling at me about responsibility, 24 hours a day(job or no job) why wouldn't I take every chance I get to make myself happy?
I haven't been writing all that much because I have no where to go and just sit and write or read. There is always someone at my mother'. I don't have a key to my Father's. Julia's mom is always home and I don't feel welcome there when I'm not with her. So it looks like I will have to resort to my usual writing spots such as: Grocery Store Parking Lots sitting in my car, and well that's about it, because there's no other place i can really go that it is normal for someone to be sitting in their car alone. It is Saturday, I have band practice monday, and we're recording 3 songs april 1st. I have lyrics written for 1 that I like. The second song, I think needs work, but that concern is overshadowed by the fact that I have no lyrics whatsoever for the 3rd song. It's hard to write when the only place I can escape everyone talking and bothering me is in a parking lot full of people staring at the kid alone in his car with metal all in his head,reading and writing as they put their groceries into their cars with their little kids and go back to their houses and live their perfect little lives, in their perfect little worlds, so they can eat to stay alive to live another day to work their perfect jobs, and pay for their nice cars. We all have to have that nice car. We HAVE to, or else, people might think we're STRUGGLING in life. And we don't want that! No no no.
We all make our lives living hell's, just so that everyone will think we're doin ok. "Oh her husband coaches little league and owns his own business. He drives such a nice truck and they have a decent chunk of land to go with that house"
None of that is really going to matter when maggots and worms are eating out the back of your fucking eyes when your 6 feet under the ground now is it? Even when you die, they dress you up all nice, to hide the fact that there is any ugliness to go along with death. And make it subconcious in your mind that you will not look like that forever. I am not going to elaborate on that anymore.
It really is a wonder. It's a wonder why any one of us even continues on. I know why I do, it's because I am afraid of death. I know of nothing but life. It is all that any of us can remember. I just want to live my life to the fullest and not let anything hold me back. But why? Why don't we all just blow all of our brains out all over the world? We are born to die. That is it. We are not born to become supervisors,managers,rockstars, moviestars, or homeowners. We are born to breath, eat, reproduce, and die. What are the consequences of not obeying? What would be the consequence of not reproducing, and just blowing your brains out? Well, everyone would be awfully mad at you, but only because you've made them sad. Who cares what anyone thinks of you when you're dead? Who cares who you hurt? Who Cares? There is no God. There is no heaven nor hell. So there goes those consequences. You Start life at Point A = Birth. You Finish Life at Point B = Death. I only see it as getting from point A To Point B Faster. It's unavoidable.
But at the same time, I have a pretty big respect for life. I see putting any type of drug into your body a complete waste of time, and just a poor decision. We are here to live our lives to the fullest, so why would you bog it down with that lame shit? I don't eat meat and I don't use any animal biproducts in everyday life, because i have a greater respect for life. I know that animals are not here for us to kill and eat. Milk is for baby calves. Not people. We are the only species on this earth that drinks the milk of a different species. So if you understand that, that eliminates cheese, butter, milk, and anything containing any of the 3 out of your diet. Eggs. Chicken Abortions. Enough Said. If you have already made the decision that you don't eat meat, you shouldn't eat eggs. We are advanced enough that we can rely on other things for all the necessary nutrients. I am prove of this. I am by no means the healthiest kid on planet earth, but I am not unhealthy in the least. So you don't have to be a health freak to be Vegan.
I didn't mean to go on a rant there but I was just emphasizing my respect for life itself. I get really sad when I see people intoxicated or under the influence of any type of mind altering substance for that matter, especially people I like, care about, and/or respect. Because they are abusing what they have been given. Life. It can be a beautiful thing too.
Well on that note, I am going to go out and do nothing, just so I can be away from everyone for a while, and hopefully I will get some writing done, because I feel really, REALLY, bad that I have the least to offer my band musically at the moment, and they are pretty much all waiting on me here. I am the one who has been complaining and hating existence for not having a band for all this time. And look, here I am with 4 other capable talented musicians,we all see eye to eye musically, for the most part, and I can't even sit down and fufill my part of the bargain.
What a peice of shit I am.
Positive things to look forward to:
In 2 hours I should be getting my sleeve worked on
Cold World tonight in Brockton with Listen Up opening
Ignite, Comeback Kid, First Blood, This Is Hell Sunday
Set Your Goals the 29th
And having a job for the sole purpose of not having everyone coming down so hard on me about life.
Wish me luck and thank you so much for reading.
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