Canadian Tour

Today we went to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls after having no trouble whatsoever crossing the border.  I got really depressed and aggravated for no reason at all and went back to the van while everyone else went on the boat rides. After that, we drove to the show. I fell asleep for the last hour of the van ride and woke up at the venue. I quickly put on makeup and started loading in. We had to park so far away that I didn't even bother trying to warm up in the van like I usually do because I knew that there was no way that I'd find my way back to the venue by myself. So I awkwardly warmed up in the back of the venue and had everyone looking at me funny, whatever. I thought we played alright, apparently Joe didn't though because he said that we need to sound better. We signed autographs for a kid that worked there who had never heard us prior to our performance.  After the show we stopped at a Tim Hortons for a little while to kill time because we were 2 hours away from where we were staying. We stayed with Mike, the drummer for the band Cancer Bats' house because Josh is friends with them from some tour that Four Year Strong did with them.

As usual, I am not in a very good mood right now. I normally don't care where I sleep, just as long as it's not on a hard floor. This place has a hard wood floor so my knees will be hurting all night. I also couldn't do yoga tonight because it's so cramped here. I wasn't really in the mood anyway though so I guess that works out alright. I really wish I wasn't so depressed and angry all the time, but that's how I am, and it's clearly not going away anytime soon. I can't talk to Julia because my phone doesn't get service in Canada, and I'm pretty sure we're staying at this house for a few days and they don't have wireless internet.

I get so irritated with every thing about everyone. I am particularly irritated with Joe right now because he keeps coming on tour with us, but claims to still be out of the band. I am willing to wait for him because I really want him in the band, but if this is only going to lead to him deciding that he doesn't want to rejoin, then I just want to start looking for a new guitarist as soon as possible. This is undeniably slowing down our progress as a band. We could be writing songs to show Epitaph right now. It seems like all Joe wants is to be a part of all the fun aspects of being in a band, but as soon as anything stressful comes up he says "I don't care, it's not my band". Yeah, that gets under my skin just a little bit. I just want to know right now if he's going to rejoin or not. This reminds me a lot of the first time I was trying to get him to join the band. He did all the fun stuff, but then, according to him, when we finally started looking for a guitarist to fill his position, he got very jealous and felt like someone was taking his place. I am certain that he doesn't know what he wants with anything in life, and will never be happy. If we got a great guitarist to fill his position and said, "we're not waiting anymore, if you're out, so and so is taking your place", I'm positive he would rejoin out of jealousy.  This infuriates me. I just can't understand how anyone can be uncertain about something like that. I also think that if Joe does decide to quit, then Dan would quit as well. If you are staying in a band solely because one of your friends is in the band, then you aren't staying in the band for the right reasons and should just quit anyway. I don't know if that is definitely the case, but if it is, if Dan would leave because Joe did, then for his own good, he should have left by now. I don't understand why Dan has been so miserable lately anyway. He doesn't talk at all during the drives, and rushes out of the van to call his girlfriend every single time that we stop. What Dan doesn't realize is that he's giving off the same kind of negativity that Joe apparently can't handle from me, and is only making the situation with Joe worse. I just can't stand dealing with everyone's personality flaws and all their bullshit. I just want to live inside my own head from now on. It's 4:26 am and I'm just going to be in an even worse mood tomorrow if I don't get to bed soon, so I'm going to stop now. Fuck everyone.

It's now 5:12 am. I can't fall asleep because I started crying and panicking. I don't know how much longer I can do this shit without Julia. That's really it in a nutshell. I can go into as much detail as I want, but it all just boils down to that. We spend just as much time away from each other as we do with each other, and that's wrong. I won't do it, I need her to quit her job and live life on the road with me. I want to be fighting through life WITH her, not parallel to her. She is back home working to pay off her debts and possibly start a normal life, while I am living a life of traveling with no sense of stability whatsoever. I need her here, or I can't do it anymore.  I would give up all my dreams of becoming a career musician if it meant that that was the only way we could spend our lives together. I love her so much and I can't live my life without her for too much longer. I am far happier when I'm home, and I don't want it to be that way at all. I'm probably not going to get any sleep tonight, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it because I think I'm too worked up to sleep anytime soon. I just sent Julia a decently long email regarding this matter. I hope it doesn't ruin her day, I just couldn't hold it in. I'm not supposed to be even using my phone at all because of the ridiculous charges, but I had to get it off my chest. It's not so much that I miss her, but that I see that this torture has no end in sight, and I'm pretty sure that I'm close to giving up. I need her.

I woke up around 1:45 and hopped in the shower. I got out of the shower and turned on my phone. Julia had responded to the email I sent her. I signed online to talk to her for a minute and she called me as soon as I IM'ed her.  She told me that Belle went into cardiac arrest the night before and had to be euthanized. Julia had her since 1991. She sounded sad on the phone, but at the same time she seemed to be at peace with it. I can't help but feel like my emotions last night and the death of something constant in Julia's life were somehow connected because they were happening at the exact same time. I hope that Julia is affected in a way that makes her fully realize just how short life is, that we are all going to die, and to spend as much time in your life as you can with the one you love. Maybe then she'll let it all go, and join me in my journey. It doesn't matter if we're rich together, or poor together because either way, we'd be together. 

Josh and Joe went to go see AFI at Edgefest. The rest of us stayed behind because Mike from Cancer Bats couldn't get us in. We went to Utopia, a vegetarian restaurant and I got a veggie burger for under 6 dollars. We just pulled up to the venue. 

It's now 8:47, approximately 2 and a half hours since we pulled up to the venue, and we're still sitting here in the van. It's so obvious to me that we all can't stand each other. No one has said a word this whole time unless it was a question that needed to be answered. I don't feel like I'm friends with my band mates at all. All I ever read about is how all my favorite bands consider themselves a "family", and I don't think that I could possibly identify with them any less.