Yes

Fuck it, I'll do a blog entry.

I've been doing yoga and pilates with Mike a lot lately, every day pretty much, and we've been jogging quite a bit too. We played a show last night in Mendon, it kind of sucked. I had a fun time playing and all, but I could have done that in front of no one. I constantly feel like nobody even gives a shit. Matt was saying how hilariously ironic it was that we were at a "hardcore punk" show, and everyone is standing still all awkward and not moving around, and yawning at that. He also said that we should turn down when the PA sucks as bad as it did because you couldn't hear me at all. I didn't necessarily have a bad time, it just wasn't that good of a show, whatever. It was mainly cool to hang out with Matt at the show because he's one of only 1 or 2 people that I feel I identify with at least a little, and yes, I do realize that he's insane and that that could possibly mean that I'm insane as well. So be it I guess. He gets a shit load of money from the government for being crazy, good for him.

I'm downloading every Bob Dylan album right now. Everyone tells me that I should get into Bob Dylan, and he's regarded as one the greatest songwriters/lyricists of all time so I have to check it out. 33 albums in like 3 hours or less. Hmm that's like roughly $527.67 worth of Bob Dylan albums, isn't it nuts how I manage to come up with all this money to spend on music without having a job?

I've been listening to a lot of Dischord stuff lately, mainly Minor Threat, Embrace, Fugazi, Rites Of Spring, SOA. I'll probably listen to the Faith/Void split cd tomorrow as well.

Julia slept over tonight and she has work in a few hours. I wish she would just quit her job and we could just run away or something. I don't care how childish it sounds, I just want us to be nomadic, and free from the monotonous bullshit that is every day "normal" life. I would gladly settle for a 100 dollar a month shit hole with public bathrooms and showers, I don't care at all, I just need to be on my own. If all I had to do was come up with 100 dollars a month to be able to have the shittiest apartment possible, I'd figure out a way to make that happen. Maybe I will actually. I might look into that because I really can't live here any longer. I would seriously rather sleep under the half pipe at the skate park a lot of the time. I actually WANT to do that. I WANT to live in a terribly shitty apartment and work part time while I'm home and be self sufficient. What I DON'T want, is any long term commitment like a 1 or 2 year lease on a 1,000 dollar a month apartment, forcing me to work full time and save every penny for rent and tour. I wouldn't even be able to do that anyway because there's no way I'd land a new full time job in between each tour, and there's no way any job would just let me come and go as I please for tours. If I worked part time at say a Newbury Comics, or a Hot Topic or something, I'd be able to afford a cheap place, and I wouldn't mind saving all my money. I'm done talking about this for right now, it's getting me too pissed off.

I've been thinking, maybe I AM an asshole. But, maybe "asshole" or whatever other labels like that that I might fall under aren't that bad. Because some of the reasons that I've been called these things are insane. So I guess since everyone seems to disagree with me on these matters, I am in fact an asshole. I can deal with that, because I'm not going to change. I will never watch your terrible band play, because it's terrible. "He doesn't watch any of the opening bands"...correct! Because every night of my life on tour is spent at shows full of terrible bands. A full U.S. tour is roughly 30 shows. Each show has 4 to 7 openers. We do enough touring so that we are on tour for more than half the year. 6 months of touring, 30 days a month = 180 shows. 180 shows multiplied by 5 bands a show = 900 bands. Seriously wrap your head around that for a minute. All the nights that you spend at home, or out with friends or doing whatever it is that you do, I'm in some random state playing with half a dozen random terrible bands. Believe me, I've given plenty of bands a chance, but there has yet to be one single band that Energy has ever played with that I listen to in my own spare time. That is, except for the bands that I already liked anyway like Set Your Goals, Go It Alone, and Modern Life Is War. I've never been like "OH WOW, THAT BAND WAS GREAT, I THINK I'LL GO BUY THEIR RECORD NOW", or anything like that. I just don't like modern day hardcore or pop punk bands really. I don't like modern music that much to be honest. I can probably count the bands that are still active today that I like on my fingers. If what I said before this sentence makes me an asshole, so be it. I don't care. I just know for a fact that I'm not going to like any bands that we play with.

And also, on another topic, why would I ever WANT to make a friend on tour? So I can invite more hopelessness and sadness into my life due to the fact that I will never be truly close with these people because of the distance? No thanks, I'll just continue to live inside my own head instead. I need to learn to do that more. I need to learn how to just put my headphones in, and just disappear into my own world inside my head during the long drives. I'm too dependent on everyone else's conversation and communication in general. I also need to get some mace or something so that I can go for walks by myself without worrying too much about being robbed at knife or gunpoint.

Every time I really start thinking about how I am happiest when dealing with people the least, I always think of this lyric from "Nobody But You" by Go It Alone: "This is what I've learned: Don't search for solace in another's embrace. Everyone that we hold so dear gets lost in the static of the passing years. So, learn to be alone. Find comfort in the solitude. Harden your heart and build unbreakable will. It's the only way you'll ever survive this world." I used to think that I might someday be able to overcome these feelings of hopelessness and alienation, but I've realized over time that I need to welcome it, because it's the only thing that will ever be truly loyal to me.

I think that that last paragraph would have been a good way to go out, but I just don't care. I'll just end this entry with my plans for the day. It's 7:27am and I still haven't gone to bed. Julia will be waking up in about a half an hour to go to work. I'm assuming she's only working until noon, which means that I'll have to wake up in the middle of my "night" basically, in order to spend any time with her on her day "off". I don't mind doing that at all though, as long as I'm not nodding off and dizzy, I'm willing to be tired all day just to spend some time with her. Monday marks 7 years since we first started dating. I'm going to sleep now.