Thursday, January 31, 2008
Jan. 31st, 2008
today I woke up at like 5 or 5:30 and I missed band practice because of it. I had a million missed calls, which reminds me, I never called my dad back. I was supposed to get scrap metal with Matt, didn't happen. Worked out for a little bit, not as long as I should have, but I was lazy. Got a bunch of food. That's pretty cool. My life just isn't as fun as it used to be in any way. For the last few days I've felt just a little too tired to do anything I want/need to do. I am almost certain it's because my diet has consisted solely on Pasta for the last few days. Hopefully I can get tattooed this weekend. I have practice tomorrow I'm pretty sure. Hope I wake up in time for it. I was also supposed to clean the apartment and/or get scrap metal before Julia wakes up. She's waking up in like 40 minutes and I'm way too fucking tired to clean. So looks like I didn't pull through for her once again. I'm a douche bag. Maybe with all the food she bought, having something different for a change when I wake up tomorrow will give me the energy I need to get some things done. Jackass is on and it's hilarious. That's it.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Jan. 25th, 2008
Well it's around when I stopped posting yesterday. I won't make this too long.
Josh and Eric are sleeping over tonight for the show....tomorrow? tonight? whatever. Should be....interesting, it's at a high school. kind of weird.
Jere came over early today(1:30ish) woke me up, but I didn't mind. He hung out for a while then went to some thing. Hope he makes it to the show tomorrow.
Went food shopping with Julia when she got home from work, got lots of good stuff =) She's the best. Seriously I would just be a loser bum idiot without her supporting me. Well I guess since she is supporting ME, that makes me a loser bum idiot anyways....but you know what I mean. We've been together now for so long I can't imagine life without her. I don't usually like to talk about this kind of stuff usually I've just become uncomfortable with it through the years, but I'm tired so that's probably why I am. Who the hell else would put up with my nonsense? I still feel the same happiness I felt when we first started going out every time I see her. Hopefully money isn't too tight and it doesn't ruin our little vacation thing we had planned. I really should get a job to help out (at least pull my own weight) I'll probably get on that next week. We don't spend enough time with each other. Between her 2 jobs and my shows and stuff, I barely EVER see her, and when I do there's always people around and like I always say, the more people around, the less comfortable everyone is. Eh whatever, hopefully all this shit ends soon. I love you Julia
I really need to stop staying up this late. (for constructive reasons not cus I don't like it, cus I think it's awesome)
FUCK
Josh and Eric are sleeping over tonight for the show....tomorrow? tonight? whatever. Should be....interesting, it's at a high school. kind of weird.
Jere came over early today(1:30ish) woke me up, but I didn't mind. He hung out for a while then went to some thing. Hope he makes it to the show tomorrow.
Went food shopping with Julia when she got home from work, got lots of good stuff =) She's the best. Seriously I would just be a loser bum idiot without her supporting me. Well I guess since she is supporting ME, that makes me a loser bum idiot anyways....but you know what I mean. We've been together now for so long I can't imagine life without her. I don't usually like to talk about this kind of stuff usually I've just become uncomfortable with it through the years, but I'm tired so that's probably why I am. Who the hell else would put up with my nonsense? I still feel the same happiness I felt when we first started going out every time I see her. Hopefully money isn't too tight and it doesn't ruin our little vacation thing we had planned. I really should get a job to help out (at least pull my own weight) I'll probably get on that next week. We don't spend enough time with each other. Between her 2 jobs and my shows and stuff, I barely EVER see her, and when I do there's always people around and like I always say, the more people around, the less comfortable everyone is. Eh whatever, hopefully all this shit ends soon. I love you Julia
I really need to stop staying up this late. (for constructive reasons not cus I don't like it, cus I think it's awesome)
FUCK
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Jan 24, 2008: Feelin' Good
Well it's 4:42 AM and I am not even close to being tired. I have unintentionally become semi-nocturnal once again.
I hate writing this type of shit in livejournal because it makes me sound like I'm going into rehab or detox or something like "oh I'm doin' so good, so much progress is being made, I'VE GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER!!!" like the type of "who are you trying to convince....other people? or yourself?(both pathetic) Shit.....BUT, to simply document what's been going on the last week: I have been working out like crazy, and I am aiming to become truly "Part Animal/Part Machine". I can not WAIT for the next Energy show so I can beat the living SHIT out of myself on"stage". I crave the punishment. I feel so ALIVE when I do it to myself.
Clearly reading that Henry Rollins "Iron" article has gotten to me somewhat.
I can admit that, it's not a bad thing if there's a positive outcome. Just because you are stating what is true, doesn't mean you've proved some kind of point/won some type of argument(An argument clearly only going on in your head because you didn't say anything TO me).(Fuck anyone who doesn't like Family Guy SOLELY because South Park pointed out HOW they make their show. Yes we all know that it's totally random humor. Yes we know it rips off The Simpsons. Congratulations, you pointed out HOW it's fucking hilarious. That doesn't make it all of a sudden NOT FUNNY. Don't get me wrong, South Park is fucking hilarious too but come on.) I will beat you in any argument.
BUT YEAH.
Today I hung out with one of my oldest friends(not oldest like in age but oldest as in one of my first friends), Jere. He's doing pretty good, at least from what he says. He seems pretty well. Hopefully that continues. I invited him to our show this Friday(?) and I'm pretty sure he's going.
I really want to go into a certain topic, and I want to be really in-depth, but I shouldn't. It's just about old friends and how they disappoint me. What I choose not to write about, is how they're disappointing me. Please get better is all I will say. Please take a look around and stop.
I have band practice tomorrow(Today). I wish practicing was more exhilarating. I wish when we went through the set, it was as if we were playing live. I wish it was punishing. I wish I had to prepare for it mentally like a workout. It's different when we're learning new songs/new covers because it would be counter-productive to be flipping out while doing so - nothing would get done. But it can't be that way, because none of us have any jobs to afford a practice space, and we're lucky enough to have a guitarist with parents nice enough to let us be loud and obnoxious in their basement for approx. 4 - 8 hours a week.
As I'm typing this I'm realizing something. I like talking/typing. I like having my thoughts be conveyed. Not that anyone even reads this, but I just like knowing it's out there for people to read. Also, now that I think of it, anytime I'm with people, I basically do anything to express my opinion to them by conveniently manipulating any and all conversation to my liking. Like, even if the conversation doesn't call for any type of opinionated declarations of any sort, sure enough, I will let you know mine, through some weird way that I'll be able to explain how I branched it out, rooting back to what you were talking about.
I'm tired of not being able to be open with everyone. You know what I'm talking about. The awkwardness that exists between all people that doesn't allow them to be exactly how they are when they are all by themselves. I know I can't bare the awkwardness to make the change(at least not quite yet) and I know you can't. So in that, we are one in the same. We are both ourselves, but are afraid that the other will think things(good and/or bad) about the other.
I know that if I acted how I act when I am completely by myself, everyone would think very bad things, but you are the same. You do things that you'd be embarrassed to do in front of anyone but yourself. Why do we put ourselves through this torture all day, every day of our lives? I can't answer that. I love being totally and completely MYSELF so much, that THAT'S why I love being alone so much. That's it. THAT'S IT! I just really have fallen in love with how amazing and liberating it feels to truly just be how you really want to be deep down inside, without worrying about any "Repercussions" you might have to deal with coming from people who deep down, only want the same thing. Wow. I've never had a realization like this during a LiveJournal entry haha, so here it is documented: Me realizing why I love being alone so much. The sad thing is though, I will not act any differently than I normally do around other people, and neither will you, no matter how much what I've written makes sense or how much you want it.
I had something else I wanted to write A LOT about but I forget what it was.(I'm pissed)
Since I've been physically taking care of myself lately, I've been nicer, I've been thinking so much and I love it, I've been happier, I've written more music than I have in the last WHO-THE-FUCK-KNOWS-HOW-MANY-MONTHS, my mind is just racing with so many thoughts. When I moved in here and got a job etc, it really threw off my routine of working out all the time. I feel so awesome and clear-minded. I just hope I can stick to it this time. Lethargy really is like a Heroin addiction. It is so easy to just sit around and do nothing. To just give up. It's so easy to wake up and just endure the day, and then watch the sun go down. It's NOT easy to stick to something positive. That seems to always be the case in life. It's hard to do the good things, and easy to do the bad.
Well due to the fact that it's now 6:09, and that it has been over an hour since I started typing (it took me this long 'cus I have a short attention span and kept walking away from the computer and watching TV) I will stop. But for no other reason am I stopping. I could go on for days.
I hate writing this type of shit in livejournal because it makes me sound like I'm going into rehab or detox or something like "oh I'm doin' so good, so much progress is being made, I'VE GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER!!!" like the type of "who are you trying to convince....other people? or yourself?(both pathetic) Shit.....BUT, to simply document what's been going on the last week: I have been working out like crazy, and I am aiming to become truly "Part Animal/Part Machine". I can not WAIT for the next Energy show so I can beat the living SHIT out of myself on"stage". I crave the punishment. I feel so ALIVE when I do it to myself.
Clearly reading that Henry Rollins "Iron" article has gotten to me somewhat.
I can admit that, it's not a bad thing if there's a positive outcome. Just because you are stating what is true, doesn't mean you've proved some kind of point/won some type of argument(An argument clearly only going on in your head because you didn't say anything TO me).(Fuck anyone who doesn't like Family Guy SOLELY because South Park pointed out HOW they make their show. Yes we all know that it's totally random humor. Yes we know it rips off The Simpsons. Congratulations, you pointed out HOW it's fucking hilarious. That doesn't make it all of a sudden NOT FUNNY. Don't get me wrong, South Park is fucking hilarious too but come on.) I will beat you in any argument.
BUT YEAH.
Today I hung out with one of my oldest friends(not oldest like in age but oldest as in one of my first friends), Jere. He's doing pretty good, at least from what he says. He seems pretty well. Hopefully that continues. I invited him to our show this Friday(?) and I'm pretty sure he's going.
I really want to go into a certain topic, and I want to be really in-depth, but I shouldn't. It's just about old friends and how they disappoint me. What I choose not to write about, is how they're disappointing me. Please get better is all I will say. Please take a look around and stop.
I have band practice tomorrow(Today). I wish practicing was more exhilarating. I wish when we went through the set, it was as if we were playing live. I wish it was punishing. I wish I had to prepare for it mentally like a workout. It's different when we're learning new songs/new covers because it would be counter-productive to be flipping out while doing so - nothing would get done. But it can't be that way, because none of us have any jobs to afford a practice space, and we're lucky enough to have a guitarist with parents nice enough to let us be loud and obnoxious in their basement for approx. 4 - 8 hours a week.
As I'm typing this I'm realizing something. I like talking/typing. I like having my thoughts be conveyed. Not that anyone even reads this, but I just like knowing it's out there for people to read. Also, now that I think of it, anytime I'm with people, I basically do anything to express my opinion to them by conveniently manipulating any and all conversation to my liking. Like, even if the conversation doesn't call for any type of opinionated declarations of any sort, sure enough, I will let you know mine, through some weird way that I'll be able to explain how I branched it out, rooting back to what you were talking about.
I'm tired of not being able to be open with everyone. You know what I'm talking about. The awkwardness that exists between all people that doesn't allow them to be exactly how they are when they are all by themselves. I know I can't bare the awkwardness to make the change(at least not quite yet) and I know you can't. So in that, we are one in the same. We are both ourselves, but are afraid that the other will think things(good and/or bad) about the other.
I know that if I acted how I act when I am completely by myself, everyone would think very bad things, but you are the same. You do things that you'd be embarrassed to do in front of anyone but yourself. Why do we put ourselves through this torture all day, every day of our lives? I can't answer that. I love being totally and completely MYSELF so much, that THAT'S why I love being alone so much. That's it. THAT'S IT! I just really have fallen in love with how amazing and liberating it feels to truly just be how you really want to be deep down inside, without worrying about any "Repercussions" you might have to deal with coming from people who deep down, only want the same thing. Wow. I've never had a realization like this during a LiveJournal entry haha, so here it is documented: Me realizing why I love being alone so much. The sad thing is though, I will not act any differently than I normally do around other people, and neither will you, no matter how much what I've written makes sense or how much you want it.
I had something else I wanted to write A LOT about but I forget what it was.(I'm pissed)
Since I've been physically taking care of myself lately, I've been nicer, I've been thinking so much and I love it, I've been happier, I've written more music than I have in the last WHO-THE-FUCK-KNOWS-HOW-MANY-MONTHS, my mind is just racing with so many thoughts. When I moved in here and got a job etc, it really threw off my routine of working out all the time. I feel so awesome and clear-minded. I just hope I can stick to it this time. Lethargy really is like a Heroin addiction. It is so easy to just sit around and do nothing. To just give up. It's so easy to wake up and just endure the day, and then watch the sun go down. It's NOT easy to stick to something positive. That seems to always be the case in life. It's hard to do the good things, and easy to do the bad.
Well due to the fact that it's now 6:09, and that it has been over an hour since I started typing (it took me this long 'cus I have a short attention span and kept walking away from the computer and watching TV) I will stop. But for no other reason am I stopping. I could go on for days.
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