Well it's 4:42 AM and I am not even close to being tired. I have unintentionally become semi-nocturnal once again.
I hate writing this type of shit in livejournal because it makes me sound like I'm going into rehab or detox or something like "oh I'm doin' so good, so much progress is being made, I'VE GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER!!!" like the type of "who are you trying to convince....other people? or yourself?(both pathetic) Shit.....BUT, to simply document what's been going on the last week: I have been working out like crazy, and I am aiming to become truly "Part Animal/Part Machine". I can not WAIT for the next Energy show so I can beat the living SHIT out of myself on"stage". I crave the punishment. I feel so ALIVE when I do it to myself.
Clearly reading that Henry Rollins "Iron" article has gotten to me somewhat.
I can admit that, it's not a bad thing if there's a positive outcome. Just because you are stating what is true, doesn't mean you've proved some kind of point/won some type of argument(An argument clearly only going on in your head because you didn't say anything TO me).(Fuck anyone who doesn't like Family Guy SOLELY because South Park pointed out HOW they make their show. Yes we all know that it's totally random humor. Yes we know it rips off The Simpsons. Congratulations, you pointed out HOW it's fucking hilarious. That doesn't make it all of a sudden NOT FUNNY. Don't get me wrong, South Park is fucking hilarious too but come on.) I will beat you in any argument.
BUT YEAH.
Today I hung out with one of my oldest friends(not oldest like in age but oldest as in one of my first friends), Jere. He's doing pretty good, at least from what he says. He seems pretty well. Hopefully that continues. I invited him to our show this Friday(?) and I'm pretty sure he's going.
I really want to go into a certain topic, and I want to be really in-depth, but I shouldn't. It's just about old friends and how they disappoint me. What I choose not to write about, is how they're disappointing me. Please get better is all I will say. Please take a look around and stop.
I have band practice tomorrow(Today). I wish practicing was more exhilarating. I wish when we went through the set, it was as if we were playing live. I wish it was punishing. I wish I had to prepare for it mentally like a workout. It's different when we're learning new songs/new covers because it would be counter-productive to be flipping out while doing so - nothing would get done. But it can't be that way, because none of us have any jobs to afford a practice space, and we're lucky enough to have a guitarist with parents nice enough to let us be loud and obnoxious in their basement for approx. 4 - 8 hours a week.
As I'm typing this I'm realizing something. I like talking/typing. I like having my thoughts be conveyed. Not that anyone even reads this, but I just like knowing it's out there for people to read. Also, now that I think of it, anytime I'm with people, I basically do anything to express my opinion to them by conveniently manipulating any and all conversation to my liking. Like, even if the conversation doesn't call for any type of opinionated declarations of any sort, sure enough, I will let you know mine, through some weird way that I'll be able to explain how I branched it out, rooting back to what you were talking about.
I'm tired of not being able to be open with everyone. You know what I'm talking about. The awkwardness that exists between all people that doesn't allow them to be exactly how they are when they are all by themselves. I know I can't bare the awkwardness to make the change(at least not quite yet) and I know you can't. So in that, we are one in the same. We are both ourselves, but are afraid that the other will think things(good and/or bad) about the other.
I know that if I acted how I act when I am completely by myself, everyone would think very bad things, but you are the same. You do things that you'd be embarrassed to do in front of anyone but yourself. Why do we put ourselves through this torture all day, every day of our lives? I can't answer that. I love being totally and completely MYSELF so much, that THAT'S why I love being alone so much. That's it. THAT'S IT! I just really have fallen in love with how amazing and liberating it feels to truly just be how you really want to be deep down inside, without worrying about any "Repercussions" you might have to deal with coming from people who deep down, only want the same thing. Wow. I've never had a realization like this during a LiveJournal entry haha, so here it is documented: Me realizing why I love being alone so much. The sad thing is though, I will not act any differently than I normally do around other people, and neither will you, no matter how much what I've written makes sense or how much you want it.
I had something else I wanted to write A LOT about but I forget what it was.(I'm pissed)
Since I've been physically taking care of myself lately, I've been nicer, I've been thinking so much and I love it, I've been happier, I've written more music than I have in the last WHO-THE-FUCK-KNOWS-HOW-MANY-MONTHS, my mind is just racing with so many thoughts. When I moved in here and got a job etc, it really threw off my routine of working out all the time. I feel so awesome and clear-minded. I just hope I can stick to it this time. Lethargy really is like a Heroin addiction. It is so easy to just sit around and do nothing. To just give up. It's so easy to wake up and just endure the day, and then watch the sun go down. It's NOT easy to stick to something positive. That seems to always be the case in life. It's hard to do the good things, and easy to do the bad.
Well due to the fact that it's now 6:09, and that it has been over an hour since I started typing (it took me this long 'cus I have a short attention span and kept walking away from the computer and watching TV) I will stop. But for no other reason am I stopping. I could go on for days.
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