A world full of Bania's

I am so bored right now, I woke up a little after midnight and there's nothing to do. I fell asleep when Julia was over, which I hate doing but when I crash I crash, and that's that. I am on no particular sleeping pattern, but I'd like it if I would get on somewhat of a normal one soon. I will soon enough actually, because of tour. Tour starts in a week. Aside from missing Julia, I could give a fuck about leaving. I won't miss a damn thing besides her, and maybe sitting here completely alone in my room playing records. I really really like The Pixies - Surfer Rosa a lot. I didn't think that I would because I generally can't get into "off sounding" indie music (if you know what I mean by that), but its unbelievable. I've been getting into a handful of new bands lately. And of course by new I mean old, but new to me.

I think I understand why people like to be the only people that like a certain band. It makes the music more personal to them, and they feel that the artist is directly speaking to them. I think that's fucking stupid. If people are ACTUALLY moved by music, then it doesn't matter. Another example of people not being able to figure their own feelings out for themselves. You aren't mad that a lot of other people like a band, you are mad because you think it trivializes your love for it, when in fact, nothing can change that. People will be moved by music, and people will pretend to be moved by music. That's that. Live inside your own head for ONCE. I am so mad at people right now because they are capable of so much more. I had (am still having) a long conversation with Mike about this. People just can't figure out how to perceive correctly, they don't even know who they are. People don't read to read, they read to be seen reading. People don't write to write, they write to be seen writing. People aren't in bands to make music, they are in bands to be seen as being in a band.

Mike brought up a hilarious, but sadly true point: I said "I learned most of what I know from music" he said "yea and look at the public school system's music "education"
they play songs from the fucking 30's and 40's and have all these big band instruments that were popular in the 30's and 40's
they pay like 1,000 bucks per saxophone or trumpet
they don't buy any guitars
basses
drum sets
and that FUCKS people up about music
it discourages so many people
they are like this shit sucks fuck this
yep seriously that's why the country is fucked
look at how dumb public schools make our citizens"

It's true. I remember getting scolded for bringing in Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness when they asked us to bring in a CD from home. I can't really remember much about that incident besides having her try and embarrass me in front of the class for it.

Speaking of class, I can't stand how everyone embraces the "outsider/loner/recluse" thing. I was actually laughed at sometimes, not popular in school, and the worst of them all, COMPLETELY IGNORED. I wasn't accepted by teachers either, they all hated my fucking guts, well 99 percent of them. Stop denying who you really are, it's not a bad thing. Who you really are will always be who you really are. Just embrace THAT. I'm sure there are plenty of ACTUAL problems in your life that you could sincerely write about instead of leaving that part of your mind locked. People DO have the potential to be creative, artistic, beautiful creatures, but their own closed minds won't allow for it.

I remember when I was in high school, I didn't do any work or homework. I barely passed. I only passed because everyone was coming down on me about it so hard and being young, I didn't realize that high school really doesn't matter (to those of us who didn't want to go to college). I didn't have any friends at all in ANY of my classes. Every second in class was spent analyzing my own body language, and making sure that it conveyed that I didn't want to be talked to, because every time I'd make eye contact with someone they'd ask "why don't you talk" or "are you ok" or they'd make fun of me, passively though, of course. It's not fun being an ACTUAL outsider. In the scene that my band is in though, I am an outsider amongst "outsiders". I look and act different, so I'm rejected...by "rejects". For a place that's supposed to be open to new ideas and radical beliefs, it sure is filled with a bunch of sheep.

I went to Grasshopper with Julia today. We go there quite a bit now. It was awesome as usual, I just wish that I didn't pass out almost immediately after.


Bill