Dec. 28th, 2007: I got a 400 dollar phone bill from using AIM on my sidekick

in Canada

I didn't make or receive one single call....because it's not a phone

how does this fucking happen?

there goes any chance of getting any more tattoos

donate money to me?

you don't have to but it's worth asking

pay pal jasontankerley@gmail.com

***this is a generous donation NOT a mandatory deposit

so don't get all worked up and start freaking out cus I'm asking for money

I can guarantee I won't get anything anyways, so don't think I'm getting all kinds of money for nothing

Dec. 20th, 2007

Well here I am an hour and a half into my shift and I'm already hiding in the bathroom hoping the building burns down and we can all go home.

I have band practice today.

Christmas is in 5 days and I have a half day at work tomorrow, so after I get through this day, I will feel like I'm on vacation, I have half day fri, no work sat, sun, mon, or tuesday. 

I probably have to walk home from work in the snow.....DAMMIT

Tuesday November 27 2007 10:58 am

I took today off from work because I feel like absolute shit. Canada got me sick because it was so cold. So not only am I pissed that I spent a possible 3 or 4 days off from work freezing my ass off in Canada while driving UNNECESSARY distances between shows(one of which had 10 kids at, and another we didn't even get paid enough to fill our gas tank once), I now have a TERRIBLE head cold, that makes me talk the way a nasally pop punk singer does. Can't breathe out of either nostril, and I'm congested as hell...

I talked to Jen(my employer) today and she asked if I was coming in tomorrow I said "most likely", so at least I still have my job. I really need to keep it for Christmas gifts and stuff. Last night I got my Dad a gift card for Circuit City, that's what he asked for. I just think he thinks he can't buy cds anywhere else because, they aren't that cheap there.

I can't wait for Christmas money from my parents(and grandmother?) ALL of it is going towards finishing my right arm. Finally I won't be so lopsided and uneven.

My hair is getting LONG, I can't believe I never just waited it out and grew out my hair before. I always want instant satisfaction. I just can't wait until the front is a few inches below my jaw line, then I shall have it all cut to one length... =)

Next on my list is pants

I only have one pair of pants.

I'm thinking girls pants/jeans because well, it seems like all clothes that are meant for boys fit horribly. Anytime I get something that I think fits amazing, I constantly get asked "is that a girls shirt? are those girls pants? is that a girls jacket? is that a girls sweatshirt?" Hmmm I think I'm going to put 2 and 2 together here and just get girl stuff because clearly that's what I'm into.

Just found these online:

I'll probably be picking up a pair of those(minus those RIDICULOUS boots) whenever I get the money.

Oh yeah and I also found this which is pretty funny:

I am in a pretty good mood considering how shitty I feel.

We are recording with Chris Curran this weekend(unless this is some elaborate joke being played on me by Joe) I'm pretty sure we're recording our new Intro that I am very proud to boast that I wrote(even if it really is just one riff kind of), A song called "The Satellite And The Hit", and I think one more. I don't have finished lyrics or melodies for any 1 song but this is what pre-production is all about, we'll get the music recorded, some vocals(hopefully all for TSATH by the weekend), and slowly work away at them, it's basically a part of the writing process. I'm not even the slightest bit worried about being pressed for time either because I always write my favorite stuff when pressed for time. As long as the music is recorded for the songs, I can always just go back(by myself if necessary, but preferably with Joe(and of course Chris)) and do more vocals.  

I already know I'm going to be so happy with our new cd. Like I've said before, I like the old songs for what they are, but this is the style of music I always knew I'd end up playing, dark, sad, moody etc... =) and plus, with our new label(which by the way I was informed last night that they will announce us Mid December!) our new cd will be in Hot Topics, Newbury Comics, and judging by the fact that I've seen their newest releases at stores like Best Buy, it will be there as well. I was told that I can't say what label it is, even though I'm pretty sure everyone knows, but the disclaimer I was told to use was "we are talking with Revelation, Bridge Nine, and Eulogy, we just haven't signed anything." so yeah, we are talking with Revelation, Bridge Nine, and Eulogy, we just haven't signed anything. Haha. I hate secretive stuff believe me, I am always the first person to let a secret out of the bag, I don't feel cool in the least having me be the only person that knows something,or being part of an elite group that knows something that most people don't, it's way cooler to just tell people. And even in the few instances that I am FORCED to keep a secret, it's usually pretty easy to read me and get the secret out. I'm like Elaine from Seinfeld except there's no real combination to the vault, you can just kind of peek through a crack in the side and see what's inside.

My hair is almost long enough to put up into a bun!!! =)

Shower time.

Nov. 23rd, 2007

I'm almost in Canada, I almost forgot how mind numbing driving can be. 

I pretty much have my christmas shopping ideas all figured out, now I just need to keep my job long enough to get all of them. I have a bad feeling about these requested days off, every single time I've filled out a written request time off form, and turned it in, my work has called me the morning of the day I took off asking where I am..... I REALLY don't want to lose this job just yet, I need to buy christmas stuff, get tattoos, get another iPod, and dozens of other little things.  

Not to mention I need to help Julia out as much as I can =)

Its so dark up here.

Nov. 20th, 2007 at 10:58 PM

It took me 8 minutes to start typing this after I wrote the time in the subject.

Energy is going to Canada Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I'm not even going to write how I feel about going away because everyone knows, even if it is for only 3 days.

I've been working at the Reebok warehouse in Stoughton. It sucks because it's a job. The job itself isn't that bad/hard.

Today I worked out for the first time in a real long time, it felt great. Hopefully I stick to it, because it's just plain better. I actually kind of like working out alone. I get to play music on the cd player, NO ONE else is in the gym, and because there's no one there, I am far more focused. I played Earth Crisis and Biohazard.

I have work tomorrow but then I have like 6 days off. Thanksgiving, Day after Thanksgiving, Sat, Sun, and I took Monday off. I don't really have it off, cus I'm working my "second job" all weekend.

New Energy shirts:

I should be going to sleep now because I have work tomorrow.

Oct. 6th, 2007

It's not easy for me to fall asleep ever. Today,(I think it was today) I stayed up until 11 AM. I didn't want to it just happened. I woke up at like 2 and went to get the new shirts from Kris. after that me and Julia cashed the check from our old landlord and bought couches. I'll be picking them up Monday. Hopefully my dad let's me use his truck, I've called him the last 2 nights(cell and house phones) and there has been no answer. I have to play 2 shows tomorrow. I hate being away from home. It's definitely unhealthy, but I don't care. 
I'm having a hard time writing lately. That sucks. I'm having a hard time being motivated to do ANYTHING. Unless Josh forces it, I haven't been working out. I haven't been even getting dressed really. I just sit here and endure each day. It seems like it's time to go to sleep and then time to wake up like a million consecutive times. It feels like I lived 2 months worth of days in 2 days. 

Maybe when Monday comes, and I have the couches here, and all the stuff all over the floor is cleaned up, and it finally feels like we're fully moved in, I'll be able to get back into a "routine" if you will. I need a routine to stay sane. Everyone does.

I HAVE to get a job, but my bullshit sleeping pattern doesn't allow for me to call when places are open. I'm lucky to get any sleep as it is, so waking myself up early (after going to bed at like 8 or 9 am is Hell. This weekend I am going to fill out all the job applications I got. That's the worst part of looking for a job hands down, filling out applications. I hate it so much. It's just one big lie. I can't actually say anywhere I've worked before because they would prob give me a bad reference or whatever. To be honest, I am the model "Bad Employee" in every way imaginable.

Whatever, I need money, so I have to get a job.

I don't like anyone. I'm realizing that my personality does not allow me to fully "like" anyone unless they are 100 percent exactly like me in every way. It makes sense though. I can't imagine why everyone else doesn't think this way. You choose to be a certain way because that's the way you think people should be(don't lie to yourself, it's true) so why wouldn't you want everyone to think like you? I would hate me if I was anyone else probably. And even with that knowledge, I just don't care. 

I only fully enjoy being around 1 person. The person that lives inside my head. The person that only I understand. The person that only understands me. Anytime I try and believe that I can enjoy others company, I am quickly reminded why I am the way I am.
I am not upset or disappointed with the fact that I hate everyone. It's actually quite comforting knowing that I can always just shut everyone out(not that they were ever IN to begin with)and be alone,be truly one, with the only person that makes any sense at all.

I think about killing myself every day.

I think it's hilarious when anyone concerns them self with anything that's going on inside anyone else's head.

I don't think anyone is truly my friend(WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYWAY)

People just suck other people dry of all the positive aspects that they can, and make themselves feel ok about themselves by using someones personality for a while, and then they move on.

What a sad place this world is.

Sep. 28th, 2007

It's 4:22 am, I'm really bored and I realized I haven't written in this in a while. 

We learned 2 new Misfits songs at practice today, and it made me realize once again, that The Misfits seriously are THE greatest band of all time.

I can't say it enough, if it weren't for Danzig and The Misfits there is no doubt that I wouldn't be doing what I am today.

I got to see Danzig and Doyle in 2005 (see late February 2005 entries) and it was the single best thing I've EVER seen.... I saw it again a few months later and it was almost as good, but only ALMOST because nothing can ever compare to the first time. No live show will ever be as good as what I saw. I can ALWAYS look back on that day (and even the second time) and it makes me smile every time. 

I THOUGHT I'd never get another chance to see it again. But I was wrong. 

October 25th at The Palladium

I get to see Danzig sing at least 8 Misfits songs(I'm guessing, because that's what it was last time)

NOTHING will stop me from going to this. I WILL come up with the money somehow for this.

If any of you want to see me be completely 100 percent the happiest they will ever see me, then come to this, because, you will not regret it one bit. Best show you will ever see.

If you aren't at it, I just don't understand you. It's Danzig singing Misfits songs with Doyle on guitar.....what's the issue? what are you doing that has priority over that?

Anyway I also found this picture of Danzig with Brian Posehn from Mr. Show apparently they're friends:



and while I have my photobucket open I'll just show the few people who read this a new Energy shirt that's on it's way:

Aug. 30th, 2007 at 1:16 AM

Well, were on our way home from the tour. We won't be home til like 6 am probably later. Its hot, I'm hungry, its only like 9 and we still have like 9 more hours ahead of us, we've been driving for like 6 hours already.

Ughhhh

Aug. 28th, 2007 at 5:16 AM

Driving. Again. I come home wednesday night I think, maybe thursday morning who knows. 

Energy is going to be on the BATTERY tribute cd coming out soon. They are one of my favorite hardcore bands ever and I am more than excited to be on it. We don't know which song we're doing yet, I'm hoping for "has been". 

Some of the things my band does I would have never have imagined a band that I am in would do. If u told me I was gonna be on the Battery tribute cd before I started Energy, I would have prob not beleived you. I don't know, I gues I will always just be the type that is star struck over "non star stuck worthy" things. I mean, we are all human beings and no one is better than anyone else, or on another level, so I SHOULDN'T be star struck by ANYTHING, but I'm quite the opposite.

We are on our way to Tom Assatlys house in North Carolina, should be cool. I keep forgetting he played guitar for us for a show once.....haha pretty weird.

I am really starting to notice that I don't let anyone see any of my emotions except the negative ones. Anger, rage, dissappointment, anoyance, irritability, etc.

I am a piece of shit

Aug. 26th, 2007 at 2:29 AM

In the middle of a long drive. 7 hours? 12 hours? I don't even know. My mind is numb from touring. I'm glad though. It gets my thoughts away from any possible drama that life could bring me. Its hard to explain but the more I'm away the less everyone who I'm an acquaintence with matters to me. I just realize more and more that I have nothing in common with anyone. 

"Hey blah blah blah about this band, blah blah blah about your band" that's the extent to which I can have a conversation with anyone. Whatever. They don't care. I don't care. 

Were driving down a long unlit road, its pretty creepy.

The Art Of Drowning is playing. It always brings me back to 2000-2001. Emotions are strange. I like bringing back old memories that make me sad about wanting the past back, its strange. Its strange in the same sense that I like going into the woods at 3 am and scaring the shit out of myself though.

They found a huge hole in the universe, pretty wild stuff:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070824/ap_on_sc/universe_hole

I'm hungry. I'm always hungry. Any time you think you're hungry, shut up. I always lose weight when I'm out on tour. It sucks.

The shows have been going well, further proving that the more you play and come back to certain areas, the more people will get into you.

I see a lot of shitty bands. And I can't stress A LOT enough. I have seen hundreds of terrible bands with no soul or passion behind their music and a lot of those bands go the whole 9 yards and get a van and tour like crazy. Its embarassing. No one ever gets into them because most people subconsciously recognize sincerity in music, and they know that these bands are only in it to be in a band. All these bands that are so hell-bent on self promotion and DIY and such that get NO WHERE need to stop. If you just wrote better songs you wouldn't have to go through all of that. Did you ever take the time and think that maybe JUST MAYBE, you aren't a good songwriter and that the world of music might be a better place without you?
You like "the scene" and music and stuff? Cool. Go set up some shows in your area, start a zine, put out a record by a friends band who might actually be worth listening to. Because when you decide that you want to tour to promote your shitty band, it just takes away from hard working bands that are on the same bill as you, and they end up not getting their "guarantees" and go way hungrier than they should.

Just because you like music doesn't mean that you're a musician. FUCK YOU.

But anyways.....

I hate driving it makes me so crazy.

I can't wait to move into the new apartment when I get back. Ill have to get a job finally to help out with bills. I just hope ill be able to save like 20 dollars a week and start to finish my sleeve. Because I NEED to finish it so bad. If I thought that when I got a job finally I wouldn't be able to save ANY money towards tattoos, I wouldn't have gotten started on my other arm. I would have added more color to my left arm.

Blah blah blah you don't care. Is you actually anyone? I don't know. 

I don't feel like typing in this anymore.

Aug. 23rd, 2007 at 5:59 PM

A girl told me she wishes her eyebrows looked as good as mine yesterday.

:)

Yesterday we went to whole foods and I ate mouthfulls of cookies and donuts followed by bolthouse. It was a fantastic treat.

I also ate pizza at a place in Virginia called Crustys. It is a rock n roll themed pizza place open until 3 am with a TV and couches. It was needless to say, very relaxing and nice. The owner and workers were very amicable they came over and asked us how we liked the food, and talked to us for a while about Crustys. I plan on going there every single time we go through Richmond.

The heat is starting to get out of control. I don't know how hot it is, but its very uncomfortable. I plan on wearing long pants the whole time though. I can't let the heat stand in the way of me dressing/looking how I want.

I can't wait to be back in Stoughton, moved into our new apartment, with halloween/fall decorations and candles. I can't wait for the cool autumn air and the leaves changing to red, brown, orange, and yellow and falling off. I can't wait to go for walks during that time of year again. I can't wait to carve jack o lanterns.

Energy does NOT use air conditioning on tour............in south carolina, florida, in AUGUST..........think about how awful that is......driving in August in the south, with 6 other people in a van, 90 plus degrees at all times, and NO air conditioning, yeah I know - FUCKING BULLSHIT

Aug. 11th, 2007

I am beyond pissed off that I have to leave in like 4 days for an east coast tour ..... again.

Long van rides. Nothing. Aggravation. Hunger. Nothing. More nothing. Tired. Hungry. More nothing. Depression. Anger. Nothing.

Unload/play/load ....repeat

It beats having a job though.

And I will never stop.

Besides music, love, and ice cream.....

What's the point of living?


I'm getting a record player from Chris Nothing :)

Show today was good.

Go it alone is dead now - another reason for me to look back and miss something/place and want to die.

Who gives a shit. Feelings are all in your head, and nothing matters.

Seriously though to quote Bill Hicks "Its just a ride"

FUCK

Aug. 7th, 2007 at 1:50 AM

I didn't do anything today. All I did was wake up, watch TV, and downloaded cds. When Julia came home we went to stop and shop and got food cus she's awesome. The milk was bad so I drove back and returned it. That's the only time I left the apartment. Not really any different from any other day really. 

Tomorrow we have practice, and Wednesday we have a show. That's the only time I do anything is when it's band related. We leave August 15th I think for 2 weeks until August 31st. Then when I come home....I won't come home because I won't have an apartment for 2 weeks after I get back(Til September 15th) - Pretty Shitty.

I should be writing and reading more. I always say that and I never do it. Whatever. I could read and write until I'm blind and my hands fall off and it doesn't matter anyways because we're all just going to die.

I want to believe in ghosts so bad. I want there to be life after death. I'm not one of those angry atheists who just wants to tear hope and happiness away from people because I see how dumb they are....I WISH I was that dumb. How great it would have been had I been born mentally retarded. I wouldn't have a care/worry in the world. I'd always be happy. And who knows, maybe I wouldn't understand death. 

Humans are the only species that KNOW that they are DESTINED to die.

Every other species are too stupid to know. My cats don't know that they are without a doubt going to die,GUARANTEED, someday. They just live life and it comes and they never knew it until it happened. I wish I wasn't human. I wish I thought that there was a CHANCE I wouldn't die.

I am going to experience DYING. Do you understand how horrible that is?! No you don't. Neither do I. 

I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I can't. It's all that's on my mind - Always.

There is a positive side to the way I am. I don't believe in self-destruction/degradation etc. I don't believe in unnecessary suffering of any kind. I genuinely WANT to be happy at ALL times. It just doesn't happen.

Eh, I'm spent on that subject for now.



If there is a god, I want to thank him for Ice Cream.

I've always had the Rollins band's "The End Of Silence" DEMOS, but never the actual album until now, and I'm glad I do.

I recently found the Marilyn Manson Autobiography in my mom's basement. There's some old pictures of him from back in the Spooky Kids days and I must say, he WAS pretty cute. It's amazing what TOO MUCH MAKEUP can do to someone - Yuck.

I was also reading about how much he wrote when he was younger which made me mad at myself for not writing more.

It's too bad he sings like a fucking idiot. Some of the songs aren't bad, he just tries way to hard to sound "Creepy,evil,satanic,etc".

Gimmicky voices suck.

This entry is getting long.

You probably won't read it.

Every time I go out, I realize why I CHOOSE to hang out by myself 99% of the time. No one else is me. And I don't disagree with myself constantly. I don't get in arguments with myself. When I'm around other people all I can do is see all of their flaws and it makes me not want to be with them. Of course, I have flaws as well, but to me, they aren't flaws. And that is truly all that matters - what I think. Because outside of my mind there is nothing. Inside my mind is everything. My perception is all that matters. If all I did with my time was rape, kill, and torture, and I didn't see it as being wrong, that would be all that matters, because I don't see it as wrong.

Chappelle's Show is on now I'm gonna go watch.

Aug. 4th, 2007

Last night's show was really cool. I'm glad that so many people came out, it's just a shame that shows aren't like that all the time. That used to be a normal turnout, but this time is surprised everyone(including myself) and it shouldn't be that way. It takes a friends band breaking up for something like that to happen :(

Our set went really well(aside from being the least tight band in current music that is)
Kids I've never seen before were singing along to all the songs(even the new ones!) which really excited me. I'm glad people aren't abandoning us because of our change of sound, it was inevitable. Every band should try and explore new ground with every release. I firmly stand by that, because if you release the same album more than once, it's just a re-hashed version of what you already did and it's not very exciting. 

I'm also REALLY happy to see that certain people aren't holding grudges towards us because of past member differences/mutual friendships etc.

I'm listening to the new Blaqk Audio cd "CexCells" it's really good(so far-my computer is so slow downloading things)

We're playing a show in Haverhill with COA and The Carrier today. should be fun.

I haven't been exercising AT ALL this past week. No running, no lifting, no sit-ups/pushups etc. I plan on getting back on top of all that starting tonight after I get back from the show.

Can't wait to spend all day tomorrow with Julia, I've only hung out with her once since Energy got back from tour, and we go back out pretty soon too, so I'd like to have as much time as I can to spend with her as possible.

I can't wait for our new record to just be written and recorded and released...not that I don't like playing our EP songs because, I've started to come around again on them in the aspect that they are our older songs(even though they're the majority of our set) I find comfort in knowing that they are old and that it's not a proper representation of what we all want to be doing right now, BUT at the same time they are good songs representing a certain time and place in our lives. I know that some people will not like our newer stuff but that's ok with me. As long as we like it.

Well I have to go finish getting ready for the show.

Thank you for reading :)

Jul. 26th, 2007

I'm on tour and I'm not happy about it. I want to go home and be with Julia.

I keep having dreams that I have no control over water and the sea levels are like skyscraper high and it just kills everyone. One dream had me at the beach swimming and the current just carried me out and I couldn't stop it.

I had a dream last night that I was supposed to kill someone with someone and then the plan was to kill ourselves afterwards* my partner killed himself and I shot my cheek off, didn't die, and spent the next 10 years having psychotic episodes and nervous breakdowns about whether or not I'd get caught.

I don't like being around a lot of people.

I want to be home

Jul. 3rd, 2007 6:14 AM

Driving, were coming home early because we didn't get paid at our shows and relied on merch sales for gas, digging ourselves into a terrible debt. 

I'm so hungry, I haven't eaten anything all day and its 2:30 in the morning. We stopped taking our food money because of all the money problems. I hate this shit. I have a headache and I'm miserable from not eating.

Ill prob be home in like 5 days, and ill be home for 2 weeks, then out for 2 weeks.

Then home for 2 weeks, then out for 2 weeks.


Were driving to Atlanta right now from Alabama, playing South Carolina tomorrow(tonight).............

I'm going to snap

Jun. 27th, 2007 at 4:42 AM

I've got to stop being so negative and angry for no reason all the time.

I have nothing to really complain about or be mad about.

I wish I could take a class on relaxing and handling situations/daily life.

When I see everyone being happy and normal I seriously get jealous.

I let every single thing bother me so bad, and I complain about everything, and I criticize everything and everyone for everything I see wrong, I need to just tone that shit down, I need to just take in the goodness of everything that happens.

I don't know what's wrong with me

Maybe people DO actually want to get to know me, maybe people DO actually want to hang out and become better friends....maybe I just come across as un-approachable, mean, stuck upor something else bad..

I can assure you that deep down, I am none of those, I'm actually a very nice person and I probably DON'T hate you.....

Seems like I'm going back on what I said in a recent post but u know....maybe I'M the asshole, maybe JUST MAYBE its ME and not everyone else......

Thank you for reading this

Jun. 21st, 2007 at 7:15 AM

I've realized, that no one gives a shit about me, not NO ONE literally but just most people I am acquainted with. I don't minwd though because I don't give a shit about them. Everyone sucks. No one makes any attempts to contact me when I'm gone, I have a phone, I have a sidekick, yet the only IMs or texts or calls I get, are from julia or my family....no exaggerations. Everyone else with me right now calls people, people call them, because they miss/are missed by people....no one misses me, except Julia and my family, and I consider her my family at this point seeing as we started going out 5 years ago last week..... so just my family.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad because, well, I don't miss you. I could never see you again and be fine with it. Call me cold, I don't care. Call me selfish, I don't care. There's a reason we aren't ACTUALLY friends.... I will continue to go through life still being nice to you....but for your own knowledge just know, that if I never saw you again, it wouldn't phase me. If you died, it wouldn't personally phase me, I wouldn't be glad you were gone, it just wouldn't affect me. 

I have nothing in common with you. Oh you like certain bands? Cool....me too......later. 

Everyone I know goes and hangs out with people and does stuff.......no one calls me, no one cares, I don't call anyone, no one hangs out with me. I don't hang out with anyone. No one cares. When people run into me(by accident) its OH HEY TANK WHAT'S UP? And that's it, no one asks me to do anything no one cares.....and I don't care to do anything with anyone.

There's no point in me doing this I'm just stating all of this because I want to write it.....I never want to get close to you. I'm just publicly stating an observation I made. I don't want to hang out with you, so even if you tried, I wouldn't.

I hate everyone, and I might as well not exist to anyone else. No one back home misses me. NO ONE. You aren't my friend. No matter what you think, you aren't.

I meet strangers on the road and talk to them more than ill EVER talk to you. Because I don't know them and they don't know me. I don't want to be friends with any of the strangers I meet, but it just goes to show how little the people I KNOW, actually care. 

I just can't explain in words how much I hate everyone.

Don't try to fucking talk to me after reading this either ill just ignore you.. If you want to think its because I think I'm better than you or anyone.......go for it, I don't give a fuck.

Were all just going to die anyways, and the fact that I write this, and the fact that you read it wil NEVER mater to ANYONE EVER.

Fuck You

Jun. 14th, 2007 2:35 AM

Well............it's that time again. 

Time to tour.

I can't take it I'm going to miss Julia so much, I don't even get to see her enough as it is. Everyone probably thinks that's all I do cus I don't do anything, I must just hang out with her all the time but...no, no I never see her, never mind do we get to spend time alone. She's always working to pay for us to live. And when she does come home she either goes right to bed or I'm busy doing something. It sucks. I hope we get to spend at least one day together before I leave Sunday, I'm shooting for 2. I see everyone else that I want to enough that it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't see them again before I left. No one I know has been there for me like she has(even though we've gone through our share of hard times), no one has done as much as she has, she's just the best and I'm going to miss her more than anything. Like today, I didn't even do anything until when she got home at like 9:00 I was at my grandmother's until 10:30, so I get home and she goes to bed, I really only see her for like a half an hour every day...and now I'm not even going to be able to have THAT once I'm on the road... :(

Other than me missing her, tour will be great, Josh will be coming with us, we'll be running and working out all the time, great weather, I get to play every single night, I'll see a bunch of new places I've never been to(including the western states), a bunch of new shirts, we have our new 3 song cd sampler....

which by the way, came out awesome, I've never been more proud of any recording. I love the lyrics I used, I love the melodies, Joe and Chris Curran helped out a lot with production and whatnot, overall it was just awesome recording with him. I have been listening to it all the time. It's definitely something I would go out and buy if I weren't in the band....I just can't wait to get the final versions back and have them up on the Myspace and be able to hand them out to people....It's a pretty drastic change of sound for us but....This is how I've always wanted Energy to sound like - This is the type of band I want to be in - and I am finally happy with the band's sound.

As far as things that I will be looking forward to coming home to goes:
I will be with Julia, and we will get to watch the season premiere of the office together :) which makes me happy cus I know how much she loves that show. 
And we will be moving out of our apartment in like august or September or something and moving into North Stoughton Village. That place is so nice, the apartments there are like 3 times the size of the one we live in now and it's barely any more money. The place has a trash shoot inside the building so if we want to take out the trash not only do we not have to go outside but we can just walk down the hall in our pajamas and do it.  There's just a lot more little things like that that make the place awesome so it'll be great once that time of year comes....but until then, we'll just have to let time pass. 

Time passing....we always look forward to things, and want it to be that much further into the future....but we are never happy with right now, we've always got something in the works. It's kind of stupid if you think about it. I should just enjoy the fact that it's NOT that far into the future, and that I still have those months of my live ahead of me to LIVE. I shouldn't just keep looking forward to seeing Julia, I should be excited that it's inevitable that I WILL see her, and be ecstatic with the fact that I have all this time to live, see the country, experience things, and just see tomorrow.

Like Henry Rollins once said, "That's the only break you get, you get to live tomorrow, you get to go on, you get to move forward, and it might not seem like much, but for me, right now, it's all I'm hangin' on to, and it's all I've got goin', and it's all I'm gonna stick with."

I think that that is what I should stick with for this summer, if not, for the rest of my life.

Jun. 4th, 2007 at 3:40 PM

Well, yesterday I got tattooed, and today I got my pants in the mail....and didn't pay for either

Not bad.

Today me and the Duck are going to look at a new apartment in Stoughton(I will be wearing my newly acquired pants) that should be fun.

I have to write lyrics to the chorus of the newest Energy song before Thursday because.....Thursday we are going into WERS Radiobeat studio to record a live set that will air at 1AM THIS Saturday 6/9, and we will be playing 2 brand new songs.....and a few surprises :) :) :)

May. 11th, 2007 at 7:15 AM

I don't update this as often as you'd think I would considering I spend my whole life sitting in my apartment doing nothing.

Julia just left for work, I fell asleep at like 11pm and woke up at 4:30 am, this is going to REALLY fuck up my sleeping pattern, cus it's 7:30 now and I'm wide awake...god dammit.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair, I don't know though, the pros are:

~I'll have a devilock - the best haircut on earth
~Clean shaven sides of my head for the summer
~I'll look well "groomed"/"kept"

cons:

~If I decide I want to grow my hair out again, I'll be starting from ground zero
~My hair won't be even lengths like it would be if I grew out my hair then cut it even.
~I'll have to constantly put hair products in my hair every day instead of leaving it natural.
~It'll be awesome once winter comes to have long hair.
----------------------------

I will also really look like a girl if I grow it out...not that I give a shit, which is why it's not a pro nor con. Just a situational assessment.

So as it is, I am undecided.

I could keep growing it out, and ALWAYS have the option of cutting it back into a devilock.

I want to grow it out really badly, because I've had my share of devilocks, but it's time for something new. It's really just the in between stage that's going to be tough, because there is just no way I can look good until it's long enough to cut even.

Yeah I know I have no life and all I think about is my hair.

----------------------------

I should be more excited about touring this summer than I am. All I can think about is how much I am going to miss Julia. If she could just come on tour with me, I wouldn't mind the temporary vacation away from home, and seeing the country and all that. The summer time is the best time for touring and traveling, but it's also the best time to spend time with the person you love. I can't deal with her just being a voice on the other end of the phone for like 3 months at a time. I really wish she could give up all her car payments/apartment payments/credit card payments/etc, and have her live with me on the road. That would truly make me happy. It's a real liberating feeling, having no responsibilities, and knowing all you have to do is be in a band. THAT is truly getting the most out of life. Staying at people's houses you don't know, getting enough money a day to eat, and playing music you love. But again, there's something missing in all that...
It would be so amazing if she just lived at home with her mom, I had some place to keep my shit(perhaps a place to stay too), and me and her were just gone all the time, and had SOMETHING to come back to. It's easy to leave everything, but it's a whole other story when you need that ONE thing to come back to. If only Energy made enough money to pay for a REALLY CHEAP apartment(or even the rent here) so that I could pay for it while I'm gone. My problems would be solved. We could figure something out with all the other payments on shit. It's having a place to come back to that is the hard part.

Whatever, that's all completely theoretical, wishful thinking, nonsense that will never happen. The truth is, I will continue to spend less and less time with Julia, due to heavy touring, and it will eventually come to me being home only half the year. This is the life I chose. I wonder what other people in bands do that have girlfriends that they live with and see every day, and have become as big of a part of their life as waking up and eating is.

All I can hope for is that someday I will make enough money playing music, that I can afford to pay for a place to come home to when I'm not touring.

--------------------------

that's it I guess

Apr. 19th, 2007 at 5:40 AM

Today I woke up, got Eric in JP, went to my dads, picked up Julia at her work, went back to my apartment, Josh came, drove me and Eric to the show. Then we came back, Julia was asleep, then me,Eric, and Rendini went to Route 44/Wal-Mart/JP, then I dropped Rendini off, then I came home and here I am, This has been the most eventful day by FAR in a long time....


Nothing is fun, I get more and more bitter with each passing day, I don't even WANT to leave my apartment, and I don't even want people to come over, I like staying up all night,doing nothing, waking up seeing Julia, spending time with her, going out to eat and watching movies etc, and going to the gym with Josh, and that's it. If I could do that for the rest of my life, I would. 

I hate going to shows.

I hate going places.

I hate everything about EVERYONE.

Apr. 14th, 2007 at 6:24 AM

it's 6:30 am, I've been up since 1:15 yesterday when Josh knocked on my door to wake me up. I stayed up all night and taped a Henry Rollins spoken word performance that was on IFC that I don't have on dvd. Then I taped "House of 1,000 Corpses" 

Henry Rollins has accomplished a lot in his life so far. He has put out like 4 dozen cds of music with State of Alert, Black Flag, and the Rollins band, toured the world doing spoken word shows, put out like a dozen spoken word cds, and wrote a few dozen books. He also has his own show on IFC every week, and it's doing pretty well. I hope someday I can look back at my life and know that I got my shit together, did shit for myself, and am genuinely pleased with all of my life's accomplishments. I have put out 1 music cd, I am 22 years old, working on my 2nd(and 3rd if you count the COTN album I'm working on) I would like to get more into writing. Without a doubt, I hope to write at least one book in my lifetime. as far as spoken word goes....that would be challenging for me because I have a hard enough time talking to anyone about anything, but isn't that all the more reason to strive for something? But anyways, that's a real stretch in regards to the spoken word thing, I'd wouldn't mind doing that sort of thing but...yeah. And who the hell DOESN'T want their own show? But again, not something I'm aiming for. He also acted in a bunch of small roles in movies here and there(which I would jump at the opportunity),hell I would go as far as to say that if I had the budget to work with, I'd try and write a horror movie.

But the truth is, I have a really, really, hard time sitting down and reading/writing anything. Even these livejournal updates are something I have to focus, and tell myself "ok it's time to do this". I don't know what it is. My mind is always racing with thoughts, worries, ideas, etc. yet, nothing ever really comes of it, I never take 10 minutes out of a day to relax either...think about that for a minute.
Someone who doesn't work, and doesn't hang out ANYWHERE, other than his apartment, never just sits down and relaxes(picks up a book, turns on the tv...anything),NOR does he ever get anything constructive accomplished(writing,reading, etc.)....there's something wrong with that picture. I'd like to know how I could change all of this. 

But clearly, it's just a matter of self-discipline, as most things in life are. You just have to one day say "this is what I want, and I'm going to do anything, and everything it takes to get what I want."

I faced a lot of criticism about my whole "working" situation over a year ago..."what about your car payments, your apartment you have to pay for, what about this what about that?!" And since I knew..."what I want is to NOT be tied down by anything" I did everything it took to get what I wanted...and I succeeded. 

On another note though, I DO need to get a job, now don't take that the wrong way, I don't need bills that I'm going to depend on a job for, I just need a job for some extra cash because, let's face it, when everything you want(food,tattoos,dvds,band merch...the list goes on.) costs money, and you don't work, you end up missing out on a lot. Not to mention the fact that Julia works WELL over 40 hours a week(between her TWO jobs...her full-time 40 hour a week job, and her part time random hours she works for my mom) for the apartment,her car, her and my cell phones, cable, phone bill, her Dell bill(which she doesn't use because her laptop has been destroyed due to water damage for a while now) to pay back Josh's dad for all the work he did on her car, pay back her mom for a ton of shit(not to mention food,gas,etc.)....and just plain pay for me to live....yeah I'd say it's pretty shitty that when I'm home from tour I can't just mentally, get my shit together enough to get a part time job somewhere just to at least give us some money to EAT more than once a day, and when we eat have it be something besides 99 cent food items....33 dollars a week for 2 ADULTS is NOT EVEN CLOSE to enough money for food.

Overall, I am just not happy with myself, and how I let each day go by without, calling my mom and resolving that problem, calling my dad so he doesn't think I hate him, getting a job, writing lyrics for the new energy album, and pretty much everything else in this entry.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, I can't even believe I got my shit together enough to write this entry, that's how pathetic I am.

Apr. 12th, 2007

haven't updated in a little bit so yeah.

I've been sitting around a lot. Me and Josh started the "300" workout, I have come home dead both times so far, definitely intense. My throat has been bothering me a lot lately, not sure what it is, but seems like every time I go to mike rendini's house to record it hurts for a few days...weird. I'm nervous about it, maybe it's just because I never warm up before I go there...idk.

New sticker design?

Pete made that, once we get a definite domain name for the website(for some reason the order for thisenergy.com got cancelled.) we'll put that on the bottom and hopefully make a sticker design out of that.

Show this Friday at the Stoughton V&M Bowling Alley...Energy's first Stoughton show, come out and have fun...

yeah that's about it.

Apr. 3rd, 2007 5:33 AM

Just got back from Mike's house we finished recording a new Children Of The Night song "Route 44" it came out good. It's inspired by the story of how sometimes if you drive on Route 44 in Taunton when it's raining, some people have seen a lady dressed in red dancing in the rain, and once you see her she tries to get in your car. If you try and just drive away she chases after you at almost inhuman speed and disappears just as she's about to reach you. If you let her in your car, she disappears once she's in. Marc Mission has SWORN that he wasn't lying when he told me that he actually saw her and she chased after the car he was in (full car of people who say this is true as well) He said they were driving through the area and someone brought up the story and then they actually saw her and they all freaked out and turned the car around and she started chasing after them. - I have gone there while it was raining on more than one occasion, but I have yet to see her. One time there was a HUGE deer standing in the middle of the road that I didn't see until the last minute and swerved out of the way, and another time a "figure" in red actually ran by my car from behind, and that freaked me out pretty bad, but I am pretty sure it was just some guy or something, crossing the street. I really wish I could be convinced that ghosts are real. Then I'd know there was an afterlife. Then I wouldn't hate life so much.

We're not going to put the song online though. It's going to be on the album when it comes out. So if you want to hear it just ask me. Our next song will be on the myspace, it's called "A Ghoul Like You" That should be recorded within the week. It's real stripped down with a catchy hook to it.

I like being home, staying up all night, and just sitting in the apartment. It's comforting. I like seeing familiar places and people. It just doesn't appeal to me to be away from home. I enjoy touring because I get to play every night, and expose new people to my music, but that's ALL I like about it.

Hopefully someday(hopefully soon) I'll make enough money a month to pay for all the bills so that Julia can quit her job and be with me when I'm gone or something. I don't know what we'd do when we're home though. Eh, if I'm lucky enough to have to worry about that, then I'll worry about it when it happens.

I should get my taxes back in a week or 2 which means I give Julia money for her car, pay Al back, and get some color in my sleeve. I'm looking forward to that. 

I need to write lyrics for the new Energy song. I have a melody for it, I just need words to go with it. I really identify with Larry David on this one. I fucking hate writing...I LOVE the end product (song/recording/etc.) I just FUCKING hate sitting down and DOING it. That's probably hard for some people to understand but hey, whatever. I'm not saying I hate the music I make, I'm just saying I hate making it.

Well Julia proved me wrong about the spelling of "A Lot" I thought it was Alot, but apparently that is NOT a word. aLLot IS a word, but it means a certain "ALLOTTED" amount of something for instance.

It's 5:50 she should be getting up soon. I always look forward to seeing her in the morning. She's the best. I love you Julia :)